I’ve bounced from one bout of depression to another from late teens and always thought each time that I had fixed it permanently, by making some change - a new hobby, supplements or a new relationship. Only recently started to think that ADHD might be involved after seeing posts on social media and joining done dots. I’ve been on a waiting list for an assessment for a little over two years now, but thought that in the meantime, I could try to make things better with the help of this place. I might be an imposter though… My wife thinks I’m entirely normal, but also could I PLEASE leave that dog alone, CONCENTRATE on what she’s telling me, stop wittering to strangers and to finish putting the shopping away and not leave the fridge door open, because I got distracted. I left school at 17, partway through an A level course and got a job as a trainee chemist because I needed a job, but also because I really liked chemistry. After a lot of compulsory part time education, I left to get a PhD, which I loved doing, then got a job trying to invent new cancer drugs for the rest of my career, working extremely hard so that nobody would guess I didn’t know what I was doing, or was less productive than the next busiest person, which would surely result in me being sacked for being useless. Obviously. My favourite joke is taking selfies with much taller people, which to my mind will never not be funny, but I am informed that it isn’t funny and never was. It still makes me laugh every time. I quite like dogs and rescued one last year, because his owner was about to have him euthanised.

The mirror principle just tracked: My passive (retired) mornings aren't laziness - they're a perfect reflection of 'waiting to be required' by something. Compelled. Externally motivated. I called it needing "a mission," but underneath that word is the pattern I hadn't named: I've been mistaking being needed for being worthy. 🎭 My lifelong mask.