Reading over things and seeing posts in the community are really opening my eyes. I have been just existing and trying to do the right thing by everyone for a quiet life. I am not fulfilling my true potential, just people pleasing. Why do I need external validation? Why does it matter to me so much to get approval of others and try to fit in? I have been doing this my whole life, from being a child in school, to a rebellious teenager, going through loads of friends and moving on as I couldn’t find my true friends who understood me, to being a wife and (not) getting on with the in-laws, becoming a parent and trying to fit in with what was expected (but becoming a parent doesn’t come with a handbook), standing at school sports day or parents evenings apart from all the other parents who fitted in with each other and I was excluded, watching my kids being outcast because everyone else had play dates and they were not invited, going through years of having teenage daughters who didn’t understand themselves and why they found life so hard, dealing with so many mental health issues with my girls and husband and me. My relationship with my parents changed after covid lock down when they realised that they needed me so much to do everything and after years of being told I didn’t apply myself and the shame of coming out of high school with one pass, I was told for years that I was paranoid, I should “man up” when things got tough. My mum and I got much closer and my dad told me I was a much better parent than he was, well that was mind blowing for me. My mum has now passed away and that was a shock, it’s is almost 2 years ago and it’s just like she is missing. I think about her every day and I still don’t think it has hit me. My dad seems so much older now and has slowed down and stoops more. It’s so hard growing up and at 58 learning that you had ADHD and trying to understand yourself. I hate the idea of having to sort out my parents house when my dad passes and having to do all the paperwork, not only that but I am becoming the older generation. When I have always thought of myself as being insignificant and the clown to now holding the whole family together as the strong one. I do have it in me as I have always been the sensible one in a crises but it makes me sad that one day my dad will be gone and things will change again. Of course, I can’t change that but it would be nice to put it off forever.