THe woman i mentioned in my last message, she is older. I found her physically attractive when I approached her, we hit it off when we started talking. Were talking every day now, talking about going to the beach next week My inner parts are reacting heavily,the mind,emotions,gut Ive felt this way with my last 2 relationships, Internal pressure Gasping for air I care about this person Shes healthy for me, conscious,makes me laugh, makes me consider a different perspective,I can confide in her ad vice versa,truly understands what I’m expressing,entreprenurial, Worried I will have to get rid of her-ego-mind She feels my heart (yes I asked her) Im feeling over-reactive in the body Very very strong Intense with her and I I am scared shitless that i could be experiencing something genuine,deep and real Tug and tied like a boat tied to the dock,gut and throat,mind is still until it is given attention,then Heart says honor yourself and let her go,am I being led the wrong way tho by thinking this? The connection is too intense to believe letting her go is the right approach Nothing in connection here makes sense

3.7 I am learning about protecting, protecting an identity, as I listen to the module on “ego and self image” in this course. I listen to it over and over. It makes me curious, what kind of identity I am protecting within myself?. Am I protecting a “reputation” whatever that means. Do I not want to “be seen”?. As I’m slowly meditating on these questions, the idea to hang out at a particular park comes to me. The instant I park in taht parking lot, I feel connected, reality no longer exists, it’s just me and the park. As I am writing this my mind is fighting me, trying to prevent me from writing such a thing and accepting such a concept. Trying to get me to think about other things, not being at the park. It attempts to get me to focus not on the thing that brings me the most connection. A mental internal pressure in the mind arises. Even scanning back at this entry to make sure I don’t eed to correct anything, make sure its “perfect”. Well if You all understand what I’m saying in this entry, why do I need to go back and edit this? The more and more I “notice” the more and more my mind has a fit, and in consequence, gets smaller and smaller. I’m literally not doing extra here, Im just noticing and letting that be, and writing about it as we speak. Love the results Im getting from the course.

My school (not this one) were really testing my patience, long story short, they have been putting me under a lot more pressure recently with getting the kids to do a debate, essentially its well above their ability. They rarely confront me on things but today I got the feeling that they weren't happy with me and my progress with these kids, again, the parents pay a lot of money and i wont go into the details but i caught myself getting very defensive and emotional. I had time to reply camly and let this wave emotion go through the body in real time during a conversation with my manager. was amazing to see it happen it real time, i even caught myself contiunously on the journey home, going into my imagination arguing with my manager, " how dare she,,, blah blah" she actually really nice... again, i had to really dig deep with awareness and let it go, i let it go through awarness, not adding more red thinking (klishta) i have one anchor, and thats the breathe, then i stay alert to my sourroundings, the noises and stillness. the result was crazy, i went even deeper into some kind of peaceful state of presence, because i knew ( not intellectually) that something has really shifted over the past few years... i promise guys, stick with it, stick with it, stick with it.

Had moments of being in the mind out of the mind, in and out of the mind this week. Approached, asked women out,said no, and on we went. I thanked them, kept it friendly until we parted ways. Totally ok I felt. Normally before I would have felt negative feelings. When I set goals I feel less attached, focus feels different than it did before. I "notice" every day now. "Well wait why do i need to do this"?? I think. The internal resistance drops at that point. I take social interactions less seriously. "Oh thats just my mind talking, thats not actually me". Starting to observe my thoughts when i first wake up in the morning. No wonder I felt so overwhelmed and emotionally frustrated. It was because im thinking about literally 7 different things that have no direct connection to eachother. Hung out with a girl this week, shes pretty cool. Were going to hang out again. I asked out a woman yesterday, after being in my head for an hr. I "noticed" then just started complimenting people wherever I walked, enjoyed the sunshine. As i continue walking, see this beautiful latina girl. If I associate a name to any of my approaches,as long as theyre coming from isntincts, its genuine, its naturally me, then im cool with it. Otherwise its garbage lmao. A "walk and talk" approach naturally occured at that point. I went with it, she was cute, reserved, she said no to coffee. Kept it casual, friendly, thx see ya!

I just had one of the biggest realizations of my life. I was watching an Instagram reel of a very attractive girl. Physically perfect — slender, long legs, beautiful body. And as I was looking at her, I noticed something subtle but powerful happening in real time. My mind wasn’t just looking at her. It was immediately shaping my identity in relation to her. It was like the moment I registered her beauty, my mind started adjusting who I am based on what I thought she represented. Am I good enough? Would she reject me? What would it mean if she liked me? What would it mean if she didn’t? And then it hit me like a literal electric current through my body: I’m almost never just looking at a woman. I’m looking at her — and then unconsciously morphing my personality around her. That realization stunned me. I saw clearly that I’ve been afraid to simply look at a woman and like her. There’s this underlying fear that if I just look and appreciate, I’ll get hurt. So my mind immediately jumps in to create meaning. It makes her beauty about me. It turns it into a commentary on my worth. That’s where most of the pressure actually lives for me. Not in the interaction. Not after the rejection. But before anything even happens. The tension is in the anticipation. The expectation of rejection. The fear of shame. The assumption that it’s going to go wrong. The need to perform to avoid pain. And all of that gets activated the moment I perceive beauty. Seeing this in real time was wild. For the first time, I felt what it’s like to just look at a beautiful woman and let that be it. She’s beautiful. I like what I see. End of story. No identity shift. No self-judgment. No story about what it means about me. I can just look at a girl, tell her what I like about her, and thats FINE. Not boring, not weird, not supplicating, it JUST IS. I dont need to hide myself behind performance, I can be relaxed calm and not try to entertain her!!! WOOOOWWW. That feels like a massive shift.