I just realized something interesting about this new approach I’ve been practicing: it’s slowly building an anti-fragile self. Before, whenever something “bad” happened — like a rejection or something not going the way my mind expected — I would spiral and beat myself up. Now it’s almost the opposite. I actually enjoy the challenge. The more I’m able to stand inside nervousness, fear, or uncertainty and still take action, the more free, playful, and excited I feel. This week for example, I spoke to about five girls. Three turned me down. One I wasn’t interested in so I ended the interaction. One led to a date… which eventually flaked. I feel great nonetheless. Because I realized the thing I’m proud of is not the outcome — it’s the fact that I showed up and acted despite the fear. I did my job. And that feels amazing. A lot of the internal pressure is gone now. There’s still some left, but the big attachments are disappearing. Talking to women I’m attracted to has become surprisingly simple: I walk up, say what I feel in the moment, and let the interaction flow. No forcing, no trying to impress, no over-controlling. Another interesting thing I noticed this week: two situations that could have easily triggered me before. One was with a Tibetan girl I had been talking to — we decided to stop speaking. The other was a girl I had successfully approached who later texted me saying she liked my approach but didn’t feel ready to meet anyone. Part of my mind briefly went: “Damn, back to square one.” But another part of me felt something completely different: Freedom. Because I realized I could go out today, see a girl I like, and talk to her without hesitation. That’s when a deeper insight about growth clicked for me. Growth isn’t linear. It’s more like climbing mountains. The peaks you experience are the result of how well you handled the valleys before them. Life gives you challenges, you integrate the lesson, and that integration shows up as a new peak.

Stop for a moment and notice how much your mind adds to what you see. You look at a woman and within seconds the mind has already built a whole story. Attractive. Not attractive. Out of my league. My type. Not my type. Interested. Not interested. Good enough for me. Too good for me. But almost none of this is actually coming from the woman herself. It’s coming from the meaning your mind attaches to what you see. A certain shape of a face, a smile, the way someone dresses, and suddenly your mind connects it to your value, your confidence, your future, your sense of being wanted or rejected. If you slow down and really look at this, it’s strange. Why would the shape of someone’s face have so much power over how you feel about yourself? Why would a stranger’s reaction determine whether you feel worthy or not? The answer is that your mind has learned to attach meaning and status to appearances. It turns simple perception into a measurement of your own value. But when you start noticing this process, something shifts. You realize that a lot of what feels so heavy in dating isn’t actually coming from women at all. It’s coming from the layers of interpretation your mind keeps adding on top of what you see. And when those layers start to loosen, interactions become lighter, more human, and far less tied to the idea that someone else’s face, reaction, or approval determines your worth. As an excersize, when you see a woman you find attractive, before you have time to create that story or before those feelings start to take over, get into that gap just before and watch what the mind adds, be like a cat watching a mouse hole, or be like the student waiting for the master to come home, be alert and be ready... see what the mind does, you just have to see it and then see how long you can remain present to it... Joe

I was studying Chinese in a coffee shop. There was a girl sitting to my left. Something about her reminded me of a girl I dated back in Tunisia. I don’t know why, but I felt that same instinct in my belly again — that grounded sexual pull. At first I didn’t approach her directly. I asked her for the Wi-Fi because I actually needed it. But the impulse to express myself was too strong to ignore. So I just said: “Hey, you’re cute.” She was immediately taken aback and said: “Wow… you’re very forward.” And that moment was interesting to me because usually when I say something like that, I’m used to getting some form of rejection or deflection. But this felt different. It felt congruent. Not just a timid “hey you’re cute,” but a real expression. So we started talking. She told me she’s into coaching. I told her I’m also into coaching. We talked about traveling, what we do, where we live, little things about our lives. After a few minutes I said: “Nice meeting you, Naomi.” And I went back to studying Chinese. ASKING HER OUT: A few minutes later my phone battery was about to die. And I felt the impulse again — I wanted her number. So I turned to her again. “Hey Naomi, do you live around here?” She said she lives in Griffintown. I told her: “That’s close to where I live. I’m going to take you out.” I said it very directly. And I could see it shook her a bit. She looked at me and said: “You’re just going to state it like that? You’re not even going to ask?” I said: “Yeah. I mean… are you okay with that?” She smiled and said yes. So I said: “Okay, give me your number.” She called herself from my phone and then asked: “What should I expect, a text or a call?” I said: “A call.” And that was it. Later when we left, I gave her a hug and went on my way. And I could feel that it was a genuine hug. Not the polite kind. There was real warmth in it — almost a heart-to-heart kind of feeling. WHAT WAS DIFFERENT: What struck me most about the interaction is that it wasn’t forced.

Lately I’ve been doing small interactions. Not really a “social challenge”, but whenever the impulse appears to express something simple, I just do it. Sometimes it’s just: “Hi.” “How are you?” “I like your style.” Sometimes I say it easily. Sometimes I hesitate. Sometimes I hesitate and don’t say anything. But repeating this over and over revealed something important. I realized I’m walking into interactions already assuming I’m going to get some sort of social punition. It’s almost an identity-level belief. I believe I’m weird, so I subconsciously expect: Rejection. Humiliation. Being seen as weird. Being devalued. Because in my mind those things equal: “There’s something wrong with me. » - a part of me FEARS social interactions I tested this with something very simple. An old lady was walking past me on the street. I looked at her and said: “Hey, how are you doing?” She completely ignored me and just kept walking. Immediately I felt a hit in my chest. My mind went straight to: “You’re weird.” « Oh my god this was so awkward » And that’s when something clicked. If just saying hello to a grandma triggers that much internal reaction… Imagine what my nervous system goes through when approaching a beautiful woman I’m attracted to. Of course the pressure explodes. So the metaphor that came to me was this: It’s like I put a leash around my own neck, and then I hand the leash to other people. The leash is all the internal pressure I create. Then I project that pressure outward and give people control over it. Their reaction becomes the judge. They become the owner of the interaction. And I become the one constantly reacting and adjusting to them. Why? Because deep down I believe: “I’m probably wrong.” “I’m probably bothering them.” “They’re probably right.” So I accommodate. I manipulate. I shape my identity in the moment in order to avoid negative reactions. Not to connect, to avoid danger. But they don’t own the interaction. Their reaction doesn’t define the interaction.

I’m starting to see that approaching from presence feels daunting for one simple reason: I make every interaction mean something about me. If someone reacts negatively, it becomes: Proof that I’m defective. And this isn’t just with women. Today proved that. The Coffee Shop Interaction : I was studying Chinese in an underground coffee shop. Two girls were nearby ordering pizza. They sat close to my table. I hesitated. Fear immediately surged through my body. But I turned to them and said, “Hey.” They looked at me weird. Like, What does this guy want? I could feel their confusion. In reaction to that I said, “I know this is a bit random, but I think you’re really cute.” She said, “Oh, thank you so much. I have a boyfriend.” And that was it. They left shortly after. Objectively? Totally normal interaction. But what happened inside me is what matters. Right after, I tried to drink my coffee — and my hands were shaking so badly I spilled it all over the table. I literally couldn’t hold the cup straight. My heart was pounding. My body was in full activation. That’s when I realized two important things: 1. I cannot speak and stay in my body at the same time when I’m that afraid. When I talked, I had to go into my head. If I stayed fully present in my body, I would freeze. I was petrified. 2. I personalize their reaction instantly. Instead of thinking, “Maybe she’s shy. Maybe she’s not sociable. Maybe she was caught off guard. Maybe she genuinely has a boyfriend. Maybe it has nothing to do with me.” My mind goes to: That reaction means something about you. But why is saying hi weird? It’s not inherently weird. It’s neutral. It just is. The meaning is what I add. The Metro Freeze : Later in the metro, I had another moment. I thought, What if I just say hi to this person sitting next to me? I couldn’t. I was completely frozen. My mind immediately went: “If you say hi, they’ll think you’re weird. Who randomly says hi in the metro? Nobody does that. That’s strange. You’re strange.”