Oct 31 • Seeking Support
Feeling frustrated
Hello everyone
I am a newcomer to this group, and because this week and this morning has been challengin. I began the week having suicidal thoughts. I spent most of Tuesday evening unable to sleep and thinking of ways of killing myself. It is it the first time and for the past two years, I've had those thoughts regularly. I have three beautiful dogs, and normally the worry of who is going to look after them, had stopped me from doing anything. So, instead of killing myself, I practiced self harm - unhealthy life style. I have had HIV for 30 years so practicing an unhealthy life style is as close and it gets to passive suicide.
Yesterday I made a commitment that I wouldn't do anything until I have tried all the possibilities.
This morning I woke up very frustrated. I was walking my dogs, feeling frustrated because at the moment living conditions and financial situation are very challenging. It feel powerless and frustrated. Now the only thing that I had control over - my body - I have relinquished my power and lost the right to do whatever I please with it.
Unfortunately my dogs got the wrong side of my frustration. One of them wanted to go out at 6am. Normally we go out at 7.30am so I thought she was desperate. When we are out, I realised that she just wanted to go out soon. There was no urgency.
When we got back home, I shouted at them, I smashed a breakfast bowl on the floor, and I carried on shouting saying: can I just have a fucking hour for myself in the morning!? I don't fucking wake up early to take you out.
I cleaned up the mess, and I got my shamanic drum out, and I did some meditation to get rid off the frustration. The frustration is still there. Bubbling and this is why I thought to share this here. I don't know if I am allowed to share this kind of info but at this moment it is more satisfying than hitting my forehead against a wall.
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Feeling frustrated
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