Commitment phobia? · Brojo: Confidence & Integrity

Commitment phobia?

In the email screenshot attached, you can see a dilemma my client is going through re committing to his girlfriend.

Here is my response:

Hey mate

From my observations, fear of commitment, especially in Nice Guys, usually comes from 5 main sources

1. Commitment feels like a promise you're not sure you can keep (i.e. confusing committing NOW with a promise that you'll still be committed LATER)

2. Shame / not good enough beliefs, leading you to think I can't commit because I'll get my heart broken when I'm later "discovered" for who I really am and rejected

3. Being a bad "ender", i.e. fearing commitment because you don't trust yourself to end things later if you change your mind, so your commitment would keep you trapped in something you don't want

4. A limiting belief that certainty is a required feeling, i.e. you can't commit until you're "sure" it's a good idea

5. FOMO - thinking that commitment - focusing on one - means missing out on others/many

In brief, here are my counters to each of these limiting, inaccurate, and illogical beliefs

1. Commitment just means fully showing up NOW. If you don't phrase it as a promise (e.g. "I promise to always love you), and instead frame it as a commitment, you will feel safer e.g. "I love you and in this moment you're the only person I want to be with, and that's all I can guarantee you".

2. Take it one day at a time. Rather than commiting to a future relationship, just ask yourself, "Do I want to be with her just one more day?" If the answer is yes, then you don't need to worry about anything (e.g. rejection) until after the next day together is completed.

3. Work on your confrontation and boundary setting skills. Prove to yourself that you can end commitments, e.g. quit a gym you no longer use, cut off a toxic friend, permanently give up on a hobby that you're no longer passionate about. Once you show yourself that you won't be trapped by guilt and obligation, then you won't fear making bigger commitments.

4. You can't be certain about something that you haven't yet experienced. You can only be certain about your past experiences. Have your experiences with her been enjoyable? If so, the most likely predictor of the future is the past. That's all you'll ever have to go on. As my old coach once said, "Go when your 80% ready, that's as much as you'll ever be."

5. Ask yourself, "What exactly would I be missing out on?" and then decide if the trade off is worth it. In this case, hooking up with other girls - is there really anything meaningful there that you cannot experience with your partner? Are there really any issue with your partner that you won't have to face with other girls? If what you value is love and connection, then you're not missing out. Everything is a trade off - commitment is deciding to accept the "losses" of one option to experience the gains of another.

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