Showing up again. Each time, an extra insight.

Here I am, engaging with the ai again, doing the snapshot. It's very interesting how each time I do it (this is 4th time), a little more comes out. Part of me says I should have got it all the first time I did it. But I suppose that's not how life and growth and coming to self understanding works. It's a bit at a time. Maybe because I / we? wasn't ready to see things earlier. What matters is to have a clear look at it now. I find that when I get very honest, the feedback analysis is better. What I'd like to share here is from Section 2 of my Snapshot. I don't think I've really called my inability to follow-through, 'laziness'. Maybe part of me did. Or I was afraid that others saw it as laziness, and I should accept their verdict, since I didn't have alternate credible knowledge. I called it failure. But what I was carrying, all these years, apparently, is grief. "40 years of dreams I quietly let go of. And the abandoning-projects cycle I can see so clearly? Not a willpower problem but my nervous system protecting me from being judged before I've even started.'

Fear of getting judged is very powerful, isn't it?

Shame, or fear of being shamed... but is this fair? Seeing the fact that a fish isn't a monkey is very important. I could be starting to see that. Next step is to continue to explore what it means to be able to swim, instead of climb trees. Environment is important, is something I'm becoming aware of. Not sure if I can get my environment as good and helpful as I need it to be..but maybe I can make a start.

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