Making myself invisible. · ADHD Harmony™

Making myself invisible.

I'm closing in on 60 and only realized 4 years ago that ADHD and more likely AuDHD had shaped my life. Well, actually --what I think is more accurate is that I have a sensitive disposition and traumas dating back to the age of 3 or 4 and continuing throughout life have stacked up to result in hypervigileence and an assortment of masks.

Anyway, the big one is invisibility. When I worked as a personal chef cooking for people in their homes this worked for me: I was like the invisible food fairy that left good meals in the fridge and a clean kitchen.

Recently I came to live in a temporary/trial situation in a new city. First of all I don't know anybody here and I don't have work. Invisibility works against me. Also I negotiated a trade: the person whose home I am in is busy and I'm making dinner for her every (most) days in partial exchange for rent. I cook anyway and cooking for 2 instead of just myself makes sense.

But my invisibility mask is highly activated. She is also quite OCD about her kitchen and I hear her comments (critique) more than appreciation. She is nice, but I'm perpetually anxious about being in the kitchen. It was fine when I was working and got to LEAVE the house, but now I can't even fry an egg without feeling I missed a spot of splattered oil.

Today I feel desperate to escape, but I'm in no financial position to rent my own place in this part of the world. Or in a lot of parts of the world.

I'm grappling with the question whether the situation is bad for me rather than important to work through.

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