Day 2 · ADHD Harmony™

Day 2

The Mask(s) I live with. Several masks that help me get by but are also unhelpful to my health, perfectionist, people pleaser, class clown, invisible one. I put everyone before myself, I only feel good if I'm being shown appreciation which I rarely get so I rarely feel good about myself. I only feel like I'm interesting if I am making innuendos and making people laugh, but I often end up oversharing and giving guys the wrong idea and have them hit on me when I'm not actually interested, it makes me feel unsafe, uncomfortable and then horrible that I have to turn them down. I often get nasty reactions in retaliation no matter how nice I am about it. Being a perfectionist, I often want to replace things that get the slightest bit of damage, never feel happy with what I have, never want help as it's never good enough for my standards that are too high even for myself, or if I do have help, I end up redoing it myself later so I end up overdoing it leading to more burnout and then guilt and feelings of ungratefulness coz I can't just be happy with what has been done for me. People get frustrated with me and think I'm ungrateful and then I feel awful and guilt ridden, I overthink and just want to hide and not be around anyone. I have lost lots of friends and become mostly a recluse and feel very lonely.

How exhausting it is. I am that burnout and for so long that it's been 13 years since I was able to work. Even thinking about what I used to be able to makes me feel tired and literally cringe with the sensation that goes through my mind and body. I'm also an empath so when others talk of how much they've done and how tired they are, I feel even more exhausted. My brain feels constantly inflamed and ready to explode like there's just so much in there overwhelming and overstimulating me.

Childhood loves. I loved building little Lego towns, building houses out of boxes and sheets, playing with my Sylvanian families and barbie dolls, building things for my hamster to play on/with. I loved drawing cartoons and people and making things with crafts. I also loved to go out and play with my friends and making them laugh, roller skating, cycling, at the park on swings and slides etc, swimming and playing in puddles getting dirty and climbing trees.

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