10d • Self Development HERE
Dropping the leash
Lately I’ve been doing small interactions. Not really a “social challenge”, but whenever the impulse appears to express something simple, I just do it.
Sometimes it’s just:
“Hi.”
“How are you?”
“I like your style.”
Sometimes I say it easily.
Sometimes I hesitate.
Sometimes I hesitate and don’t say anything.
But repeating this over and over revealed something important.
I realized I’m walking into interactions already assuming I’m going to get some sort of social punition.
It’s almost an identity-level belief.
I believe I’m weird, so I subconsciously expect:
Rejection.
Humiliation.
Being seen as weird.
Being devalued.
Because in my mind those things equal:
“There’s something wrong with me. » - a part of me FEARS social interactions
I tested this with something very simple.
An old lady was walking past me on the street. I looked at her and said:
“Hey, how are you doing?”
She completely ignored me and just kept walking.
Immediately I felt a hit in my chest.
My mind went straight to:
“You’re weird.”
« Oh my god this was so awkward »
And that’s when something clicked.
If just saying hello to a grandma triggers that much internal reaction…
Imagine what my nervous system goes through when approaching a beautiful woman I’m attracted to.
Of course the pressure explodes.
So the metaphor that came to me was this:
It’s like I put a leash around my own neck, and then I hand the leash to other people.
The leash is all the internal pressure I create.
Then I project that pressure outward and give people control over it.
Their reaction becomes the judge.
They become the owner of the interaction.
And I become the one constantly reacting and adjusting to them.
Why?
Because deep down I believe:
“I’m probably wrong.”
“I’m probably bothering them.”
“They’re probably right.”
So I accommodate.
I manipulate.
I shape my identity in the moment in order to avoid negative reactions.
Not to connect, to avoid danger.
But they don’t own the interaction.
Their reaction doesn’t define the interaction.
Most of the time I’m the one defining it, through my interpretation of what their reaction means.
And the moment I saw that… the pressure dropped.
My energy literally felt like it moved from my chest down into my pelvis.
I felt more grounded.
Later that night I tried something different during meditation.
Instead of sitting normally, I lit a candle and decided to stare at the flame for 15 minutes.
At first I noticed something strange.
My mind was trying to get something out of the candle.
It was using the meditation practice as a way to fix something inside me.
When I noticed that, I dropped the intention.
Instead of trying to use the candle…
I just started looking at it.
Really looking.
The details of the flame.
The way the orange mixed with the yellow.
The way the shape constantly changed.
The wax slowly melting and dripping down.
And then something subtle happened.
Tiny moments of enjoyment appeared.
Very small.
But very real.
That’s when another realization landed:
I wasn’t enjoying the candle.
I was trying to make something out of it.
The moment I stopped doing that, enjoyment appeared naturally.
Then it hit me.
This is exactly what I do with women.
I see a beautiful woman.
Immediately fear and internal pressure appear.
And instead of simply experiencing her presence…
I try to fix myself through the interaction.
I use the woman and the techniques as tools to fix my internal state.
Instead of just holding the space.
Instead of simply appreciating her beauty.
Instead of letting the moment exist.
I noticed another version of this while using an app called HelloTalk where I talk with strangers.
I realized I’m constantly trying to control conversations. But the feeling of control is mostly an illusion.
You can use routines.
You can say things that worked before.
You can follow patterns.
But none of that guarantees connection.
None of that guarantees flow.
The outcome can never truly be controlled.
So trying to control everything just creates more tension.
And like usual after piling up the realizations, they had an effect in the FIELD.
Today I took my little brother to the mall to play at the arcades.
And something different happened.
When I saw certain girls that really inspired me, instead of feeling pressure in my chest…
I felt this solid center of gravity in my pelvis, around the area just below my belly button.
It’s the same grounded instinct I sometimes feel after a really good night.
But this time it was happening during the day, which almost never happens for me because daytime interactions usually come with a lot of pressure.
It happened three or four times.
And the feeling was simple:
« If I wasn’t with my brother right now… I would eat her alive. »
It was a very raw primal feeling
The last thing I realized is this:
Pressure is probably never going to disappear completely.
There won’t be a day where everything feels perfect — where I’m completely smooth, completely confident, completely free of pressure.
Pressure will always show up in some form.
Sometimes with women.
Sometimes in conversations.
Sometimes in completely different situations.
It just changes shape.
But the deeper realization is that dropping the pressure is actually a skill.
It’s something you learn.
You learn to recognize it when it appears.
You become aware of how you’re creating it internally.
And then you learn to let it go.
Again and again.
Over time it becomes almost like a reflex — something you can do more quickly, even in the middle of interactions.
Right now it feels like I’m building that muscle.
Little by little.
Every interaction, every realization, every moment of awareness is another repetition.
And the more repetitions I get, the easier it becomes to come back to center.
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Dropping the leash
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