Maybe it’s less about which phrase you use… and more about asking: Where is this coming from? Fear? Values? Identity? Habit? Just a thought. :)

@Joseph Spark I feel a lot of resistance to your answer, but I believe you’re right. Maybe I’m scared of the discomfort... I will reflect on your reply a bit. Thank you. :)

@Joseph Spark That is very interesting. I suspect that I sometimes use also intellectual understanding as a coping mechanism, if that makes sense. Looking forward to the video!

@Joseph Spark Identity shifts are weird, man. They’re simple in theory, but hard in practice. It’s like going to the gym - we all know what to do: show up, put in some effort, stay consistent. Nothing complicated. But actually doing it, especially when you’re not seeing results right away, that’s the hard part. I’ve found identity works the same way. If you keep acting like the person you want to become, over time your system starts to catch up. The brain doesn’t update your self-image because you think different thoughts - it updates because you do different things. For me, that means saying two extra sentences to the cashier instead of just “hi” and “thanks.” Or going up to people at a gathering even when it feels awkward at first. I let the discomfort be there - and do it anyway. The more I do it, the less threatening it feels. It’s not about crushing it. It’s just about showing up - again and again - until the behavior stops feeling like a mask and starts feeling like me. And what’s wild is… things actually start to shift. A few new friends. A couple dates. Better conversations. But those are just side effects. The real change is internal. I stopped trying to become “the confident guy” by thinking differently. I just started acting like someone who values connection - even when it’s messy or awkward. Because I do. That’s how the identity started to change for me. Not by forcing a new self-image, but by living it, one small action at a time. :)

@Jordan Talley Yes, I believe so. The dry desert you’re describing is honestly pretty accurate. Because the expectation mindset never really satisfies. Even when the expectation is met, the joy is usually short-lived - and then the mind is already onto the next thing. Curiosity, on the other hand, is way more enjoyable. You can be curious about pretty much anything. There’s no fixed outcome to chase - just presence. I used to hate small talk. I was one of those “I only do deep conversations” people. Honestly, I was just full of myself, lol. I was expecting depth - and when people didn’t meet that, I got annoyed. Like, why are people so shallow? But the irony is… that mindset made me shallow. There was no openness. No connection. Just judgment. Eventually I asked myself: What do I actually like about deep conversations? It wasn’t the “deep” part - it was the connection, the honesty, the curiosity. And I realized those things can totally exist in small talk. In fact, small talk is usually the doorway. So I decided to shift my identity. Now, whenever I talk to someone, I try not to expect anything. I just focus on what I can control: listening, asking questions, actually trying to understand the other person. And that shift has led to some really good conversations - not always deep, but real. It’s also changed how I talk to girls. I’ve been told I’m a good listener, or that I make people feel seen - stuff I never heard back when I was stuck trying to prove I was “deep.” Probably because back then, I was trying to be someone… instead of just being with someone. :)

I think the “yet” is where the mental colouring comes in. You sent a message. No reply (yet.) You haven’t gotten a reply - that’s reality. But the “yet” is an expectation. You’re hoping for a reply, and that’s why it hurts. I think this video is really good, and I agree with everything you’re saying. Thank you for sharing. Identity is such a powerful motivator. I’m excited to work with it some more :)

@Jordan Talley It’s only a positive reframe if your goal is not to get rejected. :)

I really like the pacing of this video. Great watch - thanks for sharing