Letting go of rage and helplessness
Something clicked for me recently, and it started in a pretty unexpected way.
I was doing the dishes, thinking back to a post I had read the day before. Dean was writting about how he went out while being completely sick — no energy, no vibe — and still ended up getting a girl that same night.
And instantly, something in me reacted.
A very familiar voice came up:
“I can’t do this. This would never happen to me. He’s just lucky. He’s been doing this for years. He’s naturally confident, grounded, attractive… I’m none of that. No matter what I do, I’ll never get there.”
And behind that voice, there was something deeper:
Rage. Hate. Helplessness.
When I stayed with it, I saw where it was coming from.
It wasn’t “me” — it was a wounded, child-like part that feels completely unworthy. A part that believes that if it were to sit next to a girl it truly likes, it would automatically be below her. That she would reject it, or choose someone “better.”
And that part doesn’t just sit there quietly.
It drives behavior.
It pushes me to chase girls who are unavailable or unrealistic. It keeps me holding onto tiny breadcrumbs of attention, hoping they’ll turn into something more.
I even saw how it shows up in subtle ways — like with girls already in my environment. Instead of being direct or authentic, I’d put on a kind of mask. Drop hints, try to position myself a certain way…
All with the same hidden hope:
“Maybe if I play this right, she’ll finally see me as worthy.”
But the truth is — that energy never works.
And seeing this clearly was confronting… but also freeing.
There’s also a grounded, calm, centered part of me that sees through all of it and goes:
“This is not real.”
It knows I don’t need to become someone else to meet women.
It knows I can meet any woman I want — maybe imperfectly at first, maybe with some awkwardness — but naturally, over time, by just being more present and more myself.
And it also showed me something deeper:
I’m not here to fix that wounded part.
I don’t need to fight it or force anything.
All I have to do is stay present with it and watch its energy run out.
with that awareness comes an internal conflict.
Do I go back to comfort?
Do I keep chasing breadcrumbs of attention?
Do I keep projecting fantasies onto women I’m not even truly attracted to, just to feel some form of intimacy?
Because I saw it clearly.
I was talking to a girl I’m barely attracted to — maybe 5% at most.
We don’t share the same language well, the conversations are difficult, she doesn’t show much interest, and I’m the one putting in all the effort.
And yet… I was still there.
Not because of her — but because of the fantasy I was projecting onto her.
Chasing the idea of what she could be.
Chasing the feeling I hoped to get.
That’s when it hit me:
I have a choice.
I can keep chasing that fantasy.
Keep putting myself in positions where I settle for crumbs.
Keep abandoning myself just to feel something.
Or…
I can let all of that go.
And move toward something completely different:
Adult relationships.
Something calm.
Mutual.
Effortless.
Balanced.
With women I actually enjoy.
Women I’m genuinely attracted to.
Where there’s real connection — not projection.
And right now, that’s the edge I’m standing on.
Because it’s tempting to go back.
I could still text her.
I could still chase.
That pull is still there.
But for the first time, I can clearly see it.
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Letting go of rage and helplessness
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