((This is a request for personal insight and advice for approaching a single facet of severe CPTSD, I do not know if this is acceptable here in this forum or not, but I wasnt sure where else to reach out. Team, please feel free to remove or move this post if it is not appropriate for this channel.)) ----------------------------- I have chosen to begin this journey with the intention of learning to TRUST others again. I theorize that maybe, if others can consistently trust me as they do, I should and can also trust others who are safe. The question becomes ❤️‍🩹"how do I allow myself to trust the individuals (mentors) who are literally trying to provide me that space?" I have struggled my entire life with expression, rooted in the way I was raised by hostile environments that taught me to be as small and quiet as possible. The last three days have been very eye opening and frustrating for me. Even now, I am almost 36 years old- living in a house with my husband and two little ones- and I still do not feel safe enough to truly express any of the deep emotions within my chest. I feel things very deeply for brief moments- they show up in my eyes and the back of my throat- but never go beyond a few silent tears or the lump in my throat. This happens to me constantly through the day. Big feels, very small expressions and little to no space for them. However, trusting that I will not be shamed, silenced, ridiculed, or create tension in my environment (even now) left me feeling very blocked during Adam's incredible session on Wednesday. So much so that my body literally shut down and I lost a good portion of the session (time travel? Dozing? Fainted?) between the initiation breaths and regrounding with gratitude. I do not want to "waste" my 1:1 session if I am not truly able to experience it. I do not know how long the offer lasts after the initial sign up for the classes. I do not know what I need to do to help bring myself to "trust" a mentor (or my environment) to allow myself to release or experience whatever I need to experience. This has ALWAYS been the greatest hurdle for me when it has come down to therapy practices and my attempts at healing. I dont know that I'll have enough time in 90min to even figure out what the heck I need to do to utilize the session for its intended purpose.

Turns out the concussion was not so minor. Six months later, I am still in contention with pretty major mental symptoms. The medical doctors recommend/prescribe exposure therapy. I am supplementing my own care through breathwork. I am considering adding EMDR bilateral tapping with the breath work ... if advisable, tapping would be added during the portion of the session that is ... triggering or re-regulating or both?

Although I haven't taken the training yet. I watched a video and decided to use breathing in tandem with a client who I was processing with EMDR. At the end of the session she reported feeling a lot better. This is a one in a million client who usually never reports feeling a lot better.

Today I did my Soma breath work after a mood shift happened. I was so grateful for the return to positive outlook following the session. Appreciate the resources to keep doing this in real life learning. 💜

Today at the grocery store I noticed the need to find calm in myself and so I opened space and reminded myself of ways bring calm and that little things in life that can be interference are just that and manageable.