The Message That Lived in My Head All Day

A WhatsApp message came in.

I opened it. Closed it. Opened it again.

I typed a reply. Deleted it. Rewrote it with a softer tone. Added context so I wouldn’t be misunderstood. Took the context out in case it sounded defensive.

Then I read it as if I were them and imagined their reply; not the generous one, the likely one.Then I imagined my response to that reply.

Then I read the whole thing out loud to a friend. Asked for their take. Listened to their feedback and debated over that 😳 Still I wasn’t sure.

That’s when I noticed the familiar tightening; the moment a WhatsApp message stops being a message and turns into a full-body negotiation.

The pull to send it wasn’t because I wanted to say something but it was because I didn’t want to be inconvenient. And truly a part of me believed that if they really understood my context, their view of me might change.

Which is a an all consuming rabbit hole…trying to get someone else to see you in a particular light by offering just a little more explanation, a little more framing, a little more of me.

So I paused (Mostly out of exhaustion 😓) just long enough to step out of the rehearsal.

I didn’t send it. But I did sit with the feelings and the internal fight!! So the pause counts 💃🏽

Okay, who relates?

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