it never feels enough · Real Men Real Style Community

it never feels enough

warning: MAJOR yap session ahead:

well brothers, i must say that it’s been a crazy ride for me. i’ve been progressing great, moving far from who i was a few years.

but i have to be transparent, i don’t feel like it.

in my religion, it’s customary for 18 year old men to serve a two year proselyting mission. i turn 19 in march and haven’t left yet because i was suffering through some mental stuff.

i didn’t know if i wanted to go, and more importantly i was mentally breaking down almost every day. i could barely get out of bed some days, and i struggled HARD.

every mistake i made, and id choose to spiral. to be honest, my self esteem and image was at an all time low.

and also… i hadn’t left because well, i was hoping to try fixing the relationship with my family.

now i turn 19 in march. i haven’t left yet, and while im almost finished, and ill have my paperwork submitted in a few weeks, its likely i won’t leave until may or even later.

and honestly while im trying not to spiral, and thankfully i haven’t suffered any major panic attacks or spirals for a long time, im still angry and stressed at myself.

im an ambitious person. i have dreams for my future. i want to become a business owner and a creative architect.

i’m an artist. im a writer. i’m a fighter. i write stories, i play and write music, and i have an artistic and creative vision for what i want to make in the future.

i have scenes, aesthetics, cultures, and a vision for the types of films i want to design in the future.

i’m a music producer and a singer putting together an artist portfolio. i love music, and want to integrate it as part of my life too.

to deal with stress i train to lift weights. i eat healthy, work out, and practice muay thai and spar. i take cold showers and meditate.

and the thing is, while i have vision and ambition, im just a lazy dreamer without the proper dedication, knowledge and discipline to place it.

it’s why im majoring in entrepreneurship in college when i get back, and also i know that the skills and discipline learned from a mission can place me on that path.

but i want to secure myself financially as soon as possible. i know it takes years of trial and error with business to start seeing profits and success, and i want to get into business asap. the sooner i start, the better.

i’m trying not to stress over it too much. i’m telling myself that this is an excellent lesson for a future businessman. learning that sometimes things don’t always go your way, and that it might take extra time, even if i don’t want it to.

this is an excellent way to learn patience and one of the most important things an entrepreneur could ever learn: trusting the process.

i’m trying to. and thankfully i have made progress, but to be honest, it just doesn’t.

maybe it’s dealing with disappointment. the fact that i wasted time staying behind trying to fix my family’s relationship, which i realized wouldn’t fully love or care about me until i broke my morals and became complacent to their actions that hurt me and my siblings.

i feel like i spent this year for nothing. yeah, i couldn’t leave on my mission sooner because of mental health stuff.

im well aware that if i had tried to rush it, id have likely crashed and burned, and be even further behind. i’m ON the slow and arduous path, which will take me to my dream life.

but learning to trust the process is the hardest part for me. i’m putting in the work, but fear that i’m just gonna be more behind man.

this is the path i need to take, but i just feel… stuck. i feel like im not going anywhere and to be honest, i dont feel like im doing enough. i dont feel like its enough.

i feel like im too old to be starting school in august at 21 years old. is it?

do you guys ever feel that way, where you ever struggled with self doubt and feeling like you don’t do enough?

and how do you get through it?

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