Being Selfish, part deux · Brojo: Confidence & Integrity

Being Selfish, part deux

Back to my original point.

Being selfish. Is it bad? is it ok? is it even, dare I say it, good?

Here's the thing. I don't think anybody is not selfish. But the word has such a bad connotation and I don't know of another, better word.

In most people's mind, when you say selfish, they equate this to mean "So you just want what you want and you don't care about anybody else".

Somewhere along the way I learned that this is what selfish means. And if I therefore do anything strictly for myself, then I am selfish, and that this is bad.

So I started to wonder, what are unselfish things? What can I do to be unselfish, and to help people, especially those I care about the most? I have always cared about people and about humanity as a whole and about animals and this earth. I've always been concerned with human rights, the plight of the poor, evil people harming innocents, etc etc.

Now comes the contradiction in my mind. I still wanted to make money, have a comfortable life, buy things, enjoy my own hobbies, eat what I like, etc. But I've always been willing to share. Many of those things are not fun without someone to do it with. But I've also always known I could probably do more for other people and the world. I could even devote my life to it, and give away most of what I have (time, money, etc) and that would be unselfish and seen as a good thing.

Except I don't. Yes I offer to help people here and there. Whenever I see somebody stranded on the road I feel a pang to stop and help (and sometimes I do). The problem I have is in knowing where the balance is. But ultimately I have this stigma in my mind that if I do anything at all for myself, that I am a bad selfish person.

I let things get away from me over the last 25 years. I barely do anything for myself anymore. I almost never spend any money on anything for myself (wife handles all finances). I would have to make a point of it, and essentially ask for permission because money is always tight. And I feel guilty because you know, food, mortgage and kids needs are just more important. So I don't.

I don't know where the balance is. How much and what things are OK to insist upon having, for myself? Of course I need to eat, but should I make a stand and say hey I need to spend extra money so I can do a particular diet that I think will be good for me? Should I insist that I need x $ a month and some number of hours to myself so I can enjoy a hobby? That one in particular seems petty and unimportant when there's always a money crunch to pay bills, buy necessities, etc.

So I end up just working all the time. Even then, I am now not spending the amount of time with my kids that I feel I should be. I constantly feel guilty, but at the same time resentful that I cannot do things that I alone enjoy. And oh look I missed talking about the philosophical point of selfishness again...

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