My personal wrap-up rather than AI

Day 5, we were asked to summarize our final report in our own words rather than to share the summary by Sage. Here goes mine.

I have great difficulty starting projects where I basically am having to build from a blank page, but I learned that my creativity is alive and well when I have a container, like a website template. Apparently ADHD brains struggle with task initiation under conceptual ambiguity. The quote was "You don't need more discipline. You need a container."

I understand now why I struggle so desperately to deal with the mundane tasks of life which frankly can't be ignored without creating damage. What explains that is that my brain is wired for novelty and meaning. My boredom signals that I'm not getting enough fuel to engage for my particular dopamine system. So I can stick with something and be extremely efficient as long as the right conditions exist. It is not true that I am incapable. I believe there might be something in my astrology also that I simply can't "all in" get into something unless it has meaning for me.

My childhood memories are quite rare. What I thought were memories were actually what my mom had filled in when I asked questions during our occasional slideshow sessions. The few of my own that I did report fit into the categories of sound, story, and soul-to-soul connection. The pause I have been in for the last few years has been almost devoid of those three things, so it should not be surprising that I am struggling with even wanting to be here.

Growing up with an unpredictable narcissistic parent and a dad that stayed out of the way because he realized I would be harmed even more if he showed attachment to me rather than total devotion to my mom, I learned to scan a room, predict what might be coming next, and then I would decide whether I wanted to perform to be pleasing or disappear to be safe. If I read the room incorrectly, there were consequences. So my survival radar kicked in then and has never really turned off. This explains my exhaustion.

That voice in my head? It manufactures my inability to handle things and then mocks me for it. The quote was pretty impactful. "You were a child who got gas lit, and you learned to gaslight yourself so efficiently that the original abuser doesn't have to be present anymore, because you carry her voice inside you." She isn't present anymore in the physical form. She died in 2010. But she's always there when I look in the mirror and find fault, and she's always there to tell me I'm deluding myself to think that I'm capable and good enough.

When asked to identify my strengths, they were empathy, kindness, wisdom, resilience, perseverance, and choosing to forge ahead despite whatever challenges come my way. Those things are all very good things, but I rarely acknowledge them and instead focus on my inability to get my s*** together. While I actually have managed to get my s*** together many many times in many many areas, I don't seem to count those as important. Instead I note every single failure and then judge *myself* the defective failure.

I have felt like my life has been devoid of passion and was told that it's not that the passion doesn't exist but that I have suppressed it because what I'm passionate about I don't count as "real enough" to pursue.

I was a bit surprised to read of depression and ADHD braided together in me And without a why, without meaning, my structure has collapsed.

Lastly, what am I built for? "You are a wisdom-keeper for survivors of emotional gaslighting, and your medicine is delivered through voice --whether sung, spoken, or written -- to people who need to hear that they were never broken."

Bottom line, much of this can be changed in a positive way by being mindful of what I'm putting out there with my energy. The universe pays attention to what I focus on and then gives me more of it because I have made that the priority. I have been prioritizing the negatives and not the positives, the failures rather than the successes. It does take work and practice, pretty much building a new habit that's healthy, and I should be able to accomplish some very good changes now because I am aware of what I need to be looking for.

I know people are getting a bit frustrated that AI seems to have taken over and one can't know anymore what is real and what is AI generated, but in this experience AI has given me some incredible tools to work with, and I'm extremely grateful.

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