Good morning! · ADHD Harmony™

Good morning!

Well.. let me start by saying thank you! It helps tremendously to have a place to say this with people who are likely to "get it" 😅 instead of being told either "yeah.. sleep is elusive" OR "JUST get more sleep". Neither of those help me in a practical way and I might be on spectrum too I don't know but I DO know that abstract non-advice like that just induces shame in me like why can't I do this??

So.... last night was night 3 of my new bedtime regime. I was IN bed by 10 pm with earbuds OUT and phone plugged in away from me on airplane mode and meditation on...

And yes this took a lot of work on my part.. a lot of trouble shooting getting nervous system potentially on board etc etc... keeping on track with everything g else leading up to it etc

But my point is, I did it! 🥳

But then.. I woke up at 3 am 🥴 with intrusive thoughts and fears etc.

The loop of "this HAS to be figured out and NOW".

and the next thought was dammit why even try?? Even when I do everything I'm supposed to I still don't sleep etc!!

HOWEVER....

THIS is where I'm going to do it differently. Because I deserve a fighting chance.

So! Without realizing it, in the past I would sabotage myself.

I would be on phone in bed..pass out at some point.. crappy sleep etc..

Then after a few nights of this.. I would CRASH HARD at 8 pm and sleep all night..

And because I have time blindness (which I never ever realized!), I would legitimately think WOW! I slept amazing!! Keep doing this pattern!😅🤣

So I think that is an extra layer of my revenge procrastination bedtime urge. Because it feels like WHY EVEN BOTHER if I'm going to wake up at 3 am anyway??

But!! Here is the DIFFERENCE I truly didn't ever realize:

In the past, like I said it was up and down sleep.. varying bedtimes.. on phone in bed etc.

NOW... I'm going to be IN bed at 10 pm every night.

Which I've never really done.

So the hope is over time, my body will adjust to: we are in bed at a reasonable hour every night.

The way I was able to get here is because I imagined my daughter as a baby... imagine if she woke up at 3 am (and she would of course haha as a baby).. but my point is, I have not and would never think to make her stay up until 1 am the next night because she woke up at 3 am... essentially, I wouldn't ever punish her for her body waking her up, right?

So WHY did I do that to myself?? Because I didn't know. I didn't realize.

I thought I was REWARDING myself. I thought I was soothing my traumatized parts.

So all that to say, from now on, if I wake up in middle of night, i will recognize this destructive thought loop and then turn my attention intentionally on tapping. I *am* allowed to grab my phone but only to turn on a meditation.

But I'm NOT going to let this feeling-like-a-setback ruin my streak.

I AM going to do same regime tonight.

Because even if it turns out that naturally I'm a night owl, the fact remains I'm a single mom and daughter's alarm goes off at 5:30 am..

Those are things I cannot control. But I CAN control to an extent when and HOW I go to bed.

And all I know is when I would pass out to videos and especially with earbuds in, I would wake up disoriented in middle of night a lot of times startled etc. And truly not be able to THINK for at least a day. It was very similar feeling to if I had drank the night before. And I hadn't!!

I HAVE to believe that a solid chunk of straight sleep is better than that!

Plus, I will say it does feel good in the end to know you're doing what you CAN do to improve whatever situation you find yourself in.

Anyway, I hope this helps someone! I'm sharing it because I now know that sleep is the foundation of EVERYTHING, so I'm determined to do what I can to help myself with that. And I know I'm at risk of ruining the streak tonight if I'm not vigilant. Plus, if it helps anyone else not feel alone, that always makes my day 🥰

Love you guys!

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