Just realized something brutal: I'm not actually bad at routines. I had a great one when I had a job. The structure was never mine. It was borrowed from external accountability, and without it, the voice calling me "broken and lazy" runs the whole show. The chaos isn't in my life. It's in the gap.
My reason for being here - I'm in a hole so deep, I don't see the light and don't know which way is up.