Just being very honest here, in noticing my motivations, and my "deeper thoughts," on a very "down-low" level, what I've got going on is some sort of activity of "needing" to be "the best" in some kind of way. Status attainment somehow. Now, I know this isn't unique to me, and it seems pretty glaringly obvious in a lot of people's cases, but why is it there?? What does it contribute? How come so much of my self-mind activity and so much of what I do ends up giving energy to this? Because let's say it straight right now. For most of us, actual physical survival, ergo not dying, isn't something we have to think about almost EVER. We've got food shelter water this and that to take care of us. Even if it fell apart a bit we most likely wouldn't die. Yet SO much of our energy and attention is being given somewhere else! Where is our attention going? What is it we're doing? Is that what keeps us from being free and happy? I don't know, but I would appreciate some guided thoughts on the matter as I really want to bang a hammer over the head of this issue. It is so much of like, my entire experience! From impulse to emotions, to... Who knows what else. It's just so central to my experience. I even find, when it comes to dedicating my life force to something, if it doesn't gain me status, "is it worth it?" Or some such. I guess all this really feeds into the question, for me, what actually is a Self? What is it's Goal or Purpose?

I just want to express my deep gratitude to everybody I met and got to know yesterday in the Ending Suffering workshop. I had an insight into the nature of thought - it’s an Activity, and it’s made up!!! I’ve heard that a million times, and yesterday, I got that for myself. So now I’m exploring what this new freedom entails, and I’m so excited. The way everybody communicated, and the spirit of the work were strikingly different from any other setting I have experienced. Special thanks to @Brendan Lea for your skilful facilitation and the team for making it possible. I feel so proud to be part of this.

One day, when I was a teenager, I caught myself creating a self. I was sitting in a balcony in my flat in Kyiv when it suddenly hit me that I had to take on some personal qualities to become 'a someone'. I didn't know WHY I had to be that particular someone. Everybody seemed to be doing it - and the only alternative to that was "being noone", and I didn't want that. The curious part was, deep down, I didn't feel like any of the qualities I could assume would describe me truthfully. I knew that every quality would be a lie or an act, but I had to do that anyway, because it was the only game in town. I wasn't conscious back then of the real reasons why I was doing it. I didn't question who I really was at that point. Today I was contemplating "Why did I feel compelled to create and maintain a sense of being a particular self in the first place?", and this memory came up. So I decided to share it because I thought it was interesting.

I noticed I tend to feel restless on the days when I have scheduled appointments. Every time there's a fixed appointment in my calendar, I find it hard to relax on that day. Especially if the appointment is in the evening. I will walk all day long feeling tense, knowing my evening fun has been limited. To make it easier for myself, I've created a game: I set an alarm for 30 minutes before an appointment, and then I can feel free until the alarm rings. When it rings, I get "officially" restless - thankfully, only for 30 minutes. To be clear, I love my job (I work as an English teacher and a psychologist). When a session starts, I get immersed in the process and enjoy every bit of it. But it looks like I do something (or hold something as true) during the waiting time, which is the reason why I get restless! Has anybody struggled with a similar pattern, and if so, what's helped you?

Hey guys, So I had a hit on something today while I was playing my guitar by the pond. I think I heard Peter mention somewhere something about keeping his "self" out of an activity, (although if I remember correctly, it was in reference to writing a book, so take that how you may if it's any different or how it is.) But what I'm trying to move towards is the art of "giving being" or "lending being" to some sort of activity or process. That is, really showing up, being present there for that, being present, fully. When the mind goes down those "crooked" little self inflicting modes of trying to "manipulate," or lie, or just the "small place" in general, the attention is divided in a sense, and you don't fully participate in the activity. It seems you don't really show up powerfully, for that activity or really anything for that matter. Because you're not just engaging in and doing the thing, you're doing "something else," and using that activity as a vehicle or "weapon," or even just having divided attention, trying to do the activity and "something else" as well, so it doesn't seem to fully have your participation. It seems when you can drop that fully, you really show up and are present by nature. And probably make much better art. Or relate more effectively. Not to mention just abiding in this state is very rewarding in and of itself. The mind feels more authentic and creative, and it opens up the possibility to live more from this state, as well as apply it, or really I should say yourself, to other things, without so much "self" and can be more authentic, creative, and free from that dynamic. Seems to beat the alternative