Today was my first day back at work after 8 months. As I was driving to work this morning I kept thinking about how different my work commute will be from now on. I felt so many emotions and I thought about what T says. Of how life doesn’t stop, how life continues and how we will learn to live with the pain. At work I was welcome backwith lots of love. I am so grateful for everything I have in my life. For all those who surround me and show me nothing but love. One day at a time.

Today was my late friend Clay's birthday. We always went to a baseball game for our birthdays. We were trying to hit all 30 stadiums before 50. Baseball and our love of photography were the foundation of our friendship. Last week, I realized I wasn’t going anywhere this year, and it hurt. Then I caught myself. Nothing was actually stopping me. I was making the usual excuses of deadlines at work, timing, and the effort it would take to go alone. It’s easy to make excuses. It's harder to go anyway. I booked the flight to Houston. I reached out to a friend in the area I hadn’t seen in years. We spent the day in the city, and I ended it at the game, talking to complete strangers who quickly became friends. It wasn’t the same, but it wasn’t supposed to be. The deadline is still looming over me, and the week will be harder because I went. I knew that when I booked the flight. I am still glad I went. Grief changes what things look like, but it doesn't mean they are over. The best growth happens when you keep going, especially when it would be easier not to.

Today I went on a long drive through the woods after we had that session with Toni and Andrea. It felt so good to be out there with no reception, away from the city. At some point I ended up at an abandoned house. The house was destroyed and vandalized. As I walked back to my car I saw a plant🌱 / flower 🌺 just sitting there in the middle of an open field. This reminded me of how life can be beautiful again. How life doesn’t have to stop after losing my son. It was a reminder that in the midst of all this pain and chaos I carry inside my chest, there is still hope and beauty in me as well.

Thankyou Toni and Andrea for session this morning (morning for me). And thankyou for answering the question I asked. It has made me look at things a bit differently today. On my way from visiting Eils today, I put on rock 'n' roll music (Eils fav genre) and sang my lungs out. I usually listen to talk back radio. This made a difference. Anchor? I still came home to an empty house but I felt a "little" lighter, and instead of flopping into a chair, I did things that needed doing. I can feel a bit of energy returning. I hope it's not "the pride before the fall" but I'll take for today anyway. I'm sitting here, now, reading her diaries (38 years of them) and they are so full of love for me. She intensely expresses how deeply she loves me. What a treasure, how lucky am I to have these. 6 months ago, it hurt to read them but now, I feel it's a beautiful gift from her. Anyway, thankyou again T & Andrea. Much love, Henri.