I’m just wondering if anyone else struggles with being a part of a “system”. I’m back in the states for the summer and all of a sudden it’s like a wave of pressure has washed over me and the cultural “do and donts” are weighing heavy. Like renewing my license and making sure I have good health insurance and updating tax forms - I know that part of me feels the need the be a part of this system to potentially help me down the line but a bigger part of me doesn’t see the point or value (especially by the amount of stress and frustration it can cause) and I’m having a hard time actually facing these things and figuring them out. My family is a huge pressure when it comes to me growing up and being an “adult”. But our perspectives on life are so different - I feel like I’ve lost respect from my family unit for the way I’ve chosen to live so I’m trying to make them happy by “getting my ducks in a row”. And also, it’s really hard for me to see the point and value, especially having lived so far removed from this US system for so long. I guess I’m just expressing to be seen and heard and if anyone has words of support or understanding. It’s like how to I find the energy to become part of a system I don’t actually respect but because it’s so ingrained in culture it’s almost a must if I want to feel supported and move forward.

Mid week with no calls and a lot moving in everyone’s lives! How are you feeling today? What are your wins? Where are you struggling? How are you taking care of yourself? 🫶🏻

I just pulled myself out of unconscious behaviors by finally bringing awareness to them. I could feel the judgement starting to arise, the thoughts begining to cycle, my energy began to decrease inside and slowly I could feel myself shrinking. My reflection in the mirror started to grey and suddenly I was focused on each and every perceived negative aspect of my body - my back began hurting, I was unconsciously pushing myself down and diming my own light. For what? I was about to go for a walk - after I had been dancing and creating and flowing alone in my room BUT the moment I decided to go out and be seen in “society” it was like a tidal wave of judgement came rushing over me. I was no longer looking at myself through my own loving lens. The moment I thought about being seen, the pressures and expectations and judgements from culture washed over me and I was viewing myself from a manipulated perspective. When I caught myself, I paused. I looked myself in the eyes and smiled. I had seen the process, I had been gifted the perspective of awareness and now had insight into a learned judgement that I believed was coming from me but in reality was a manipulated blurry whisper from a culture keeping me caged. Keeping us caged. Y’all, I DID IT! I am actually beginning to feel things shifting for the first time in my life. I am gaining awareness. I am becoming the witness to my mind. I am stepping outside the confines of my one sided perspective and actually beginning to bring my subconscious patterns into conscious awareness. This is just the beginning. Thank you for witnessing me.

Stay in the truth and walk away from the fear. How good does it feel in my body to remember the love, beauty and joy? How beautiful the resonance that is when we speak to ourselves with love - How much easier it is to breathe when our minds frequency is tuned to that of worthiness, enoughness, all encompassing understanding of the divine that resides within - The societal condition is to keep us trapped inside a mind that restricts us wholly, a mind designed to never unwind. A mind so easily manipulated by labeling and fear that we loose the ability to remember what lies behind the lies. We start to identify falseness as truth. Chocolate covered mental compulsions wrapped so beautifully we forget to see that we have the power to set ourselves free. Looking outward constantly for a savior, when all we really need is a deep breath and a reminder that we are the savior we seek. Twists and turns of unwanted tails that we tell ourselves as truths, when in reality they are nothing but traumas that have been set loose and are now wrecking havoc on the structure of our essence that we label as “I” ~ I am this, I am that, I am not in control of the outcome of my life ~ BUT What if those are the lies that you have been fed since birth to keep you small. You choose. Rewind to sit outside of your mind and give yourself time to truly take a breath of freedom. You’re allowed. Trust in yourself.

Wow this is definitely the hardest day so far - I couldn’t sleep so I reached for my phone at 5am. I opened it and went straight to instagram. I’ve been having triggers/thoughts/feelings/emotions come up around relationships and my self worth. So what did I do when I opened instagram? I fed into the anxiety and searched for someone I’ve been thinking about. I dug for tags and likes and ended up creating a story that carried my own anxieties - further pushing me down into a mental rabbit hole. Triggers from past friends came up again, my anger started to boil - it was as if my mind was on autopilot and knew exactly where to go and what it would find to confirm my anxieties and they then seemed to feel like “self fulfilling prophecies”. When I gained enough conscious awareness to pull myself out of the loop - I went outside to find dark clouds covering the mountain tops, no sunrise to be seen and an opportunity to sit in the depths of my emotions. ~What I was feeling inside was reflected outside~ I sat through meditation. mind racing at the beginning, memories of an old friend resurfacing and creating feelings in my body - instead of trying to run, I sat. I sat with the anger, I sat with the betrayal, I sat with the discomfort of my own created pain until I came to the conclusion that these are some of the emotions I am needing to feel in order to grow. These are the parts of me that feed off of lies and deceit. The parts of me that keep me small and playing the victim. These parts of me have been created by me to try and protect me from pain but actually propel me straight into it. These are the parts of me I need to see and learn to love. So I sat. I felt. I cried. I wrote. I spoke my truth to this person, not in a way that made them responsible for how I was feeling but in a way that I wanted to be seen in my own shit of mental creation and stop displacing my fears and vulnerabilities into a person who is just living too. We’ll see what they say but for now it feels good to let it out, stop the cyclical thoughts, breathe into truth and begin to actually see my pain, not run away but love it until there’s no choice but change.