Hardest meditation day so far

Wow this is definitely the hardest day so far - I couldn’t sleep so I reached for my phone at 5am. I opened it and went straight to instagram. I’ve been having triggers/thoughts/feelings/emotions come up around relationships and my self worth.

So what did I do when I opened instagram? I fed into the anxiety and searched for someone I’ve been thinking about. I dug for tags and likes and ended up creating a story that carried my own anxieties - further pushing me down into a mental rabbit hole. Triggers from past friends came up again, my anger started to boil - it was as if my mind was on autopilot and knew exactly where to go and what it would find to confirm my anxieties and they then seemed to feel like “self fulfilling prophecies”.

When I gained enough conscious awareness to pull myself out of the loop - I went outside to find dark clouds covering the mountain tops, no sunrise to be seen and an opportunity to sit in the depths of my emotions.

~What I was feeling inside was reflected outside~

I sat through meditation. mind racing at the beginning, memories of an old friend resurfacing and creating feelings in my body - instead of trying to run, I sat. I sat with the anger, I sat with the betrayal, I sat with the discomfort of my own created pain until I came to the conclusion that these are some of the emotions I am needing to feel in order to grow.

These are the parts of me that feed off of lies and deceit. The parts of me that keep me small and playing the victim. These parts of me have been created by me to try and protect me from pain but actually propel me straight into it. These are the parts of me I need to see and learn to love.

So I sat. I felt. I cried. I wrote. I spoke my truth to this person, not in a way that made them responsible for how I was feeling but in a way that I wanted to be seen in my own shit of mental creation and stop displacing my fears and vulnerabilities into a person who is just living too.

We’ll see what they say but for now it feels good to let it out, stop the cyclical thoughts, breathe into truth and begin to actually see my pain, not run away but love it until there’s no choice but change.

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