To be able to feel self compassion

After years of therapy, challenges and a life that’s built on achievements and performing it’s time for me to heal with the help of self compassion. I hope to find information here to be able to take small steps forward.

In 2011 I started to have heart arrhythmia. They didn’t find the cause but said it wasn’t harmful. My life started to be a challenge but nothing that was anything like what was to come.

In 2015 I was eleven weeks pregnant when I had my first heart attack. They still don’t know why since my arteries are clean. I was 28 years old.

My little girl survived it but emotionally I hadn’t. I got a post partum depression and couldn’t love my little girl.

In 2012 and 2016 I published two novels and in 2017 I published a children book about a mother who gets post partum depression. I also founded a non governmental organization for parents who suffer from post partum depression.

In 2018 I got a pulmonary embolism, got severe bradycardia a couple of times so I ended up with a pacemaker. I also had to take out my uterus due to borderline cancer cells.

A doctor realized I have bipolar disorder and I also got treatment for the eating disorders I hade since I was 14 years old.

In 2019 my husband was suicidal, wrote me a goodbye letter. Four months later I got my second heart attack. Still no clue why.

I got diagnosed with POTS.

In 2020 my kids got a rare disease where they lost all their skin (staphylococcal scalded skin syndrome). Four kids a year gets it in Sweden, it’s not contagious but still both my kids got it.

And after that I fell. Into a deep hole. I got admitted to psych ward, got ECT and became better. But since then I’m no longer the productive, intelligent person I was.

In 2021 my husband got a benign tumor in his sinus. The surgery took 10 hours but it all ended well.

I tried to come back to my job as a midwife but since I cannot be awake for a whole day even when I’m not doing anything it’s not a possibility.

I became a key account manager but I can’t work with that either. So I’m trying to find my way to a find my new identity and find meaning with my life and find a new path.

It’s hard and I have a lot of mean thoughts about myself so I need to find a way to be kind to myself, for the person I am and not for what I can or can’t achieve.

So that’s my story and I hope to find useful information here.

3 comments