Mr Nice Guy This falls under the people pleasing category in my opinion. It comes from a fear of not being liked. In an attempt to be loved by all I carefully select which part of my personality to present to the group I am currently in. As I merntioned in a previous post this would create weird group dynamics as 2 different friends would know 2 different Bens. About 13 years ago I took me ex to see the school where I went to from age 11-18 and we met my old physics teacher. One of the those guys who went the extra mile for his students and colleagues. He even offered a room in his house to a very good friend of mine so he could study after his dad had committed suicide 6 weeks before our finals. Mr Clare what I legend. I told him that I had become a teacher like him and he was surprised. He said “I don't know what you would do but you always got on with so many people.” At first I took it as a bit of an insult to my choice of career. Then it made me think harder about what it meant. It was interesting that he noticed and it made me relaize that it wasn't as common as I thought it was. I thought most people got on with other people. I was able to relate to the “jocks” as I played for the school football, basketball and rugby team over the years. I also related to the “geeks” and was even invited into their secret computer clubhouse which Mr Clare had set up for them in an abondoned bomb shelter still standing on site after I scored a higher mark than them in the first 2 modules of our physics A-levels. I hung out with the smokers and potheads and liked a lot of the musicians. I never thought of myself as a “Mr Nice Guy.” Looking back with the knowledge I have now I was and am a very compassionate person with a high level of empathy and I can see both sides of an argument and defend both of them simultaneously to the disbelief of those on each side arguing it out. I am also interested in people's stories and have a deep-rooted need to help if I can. My “Mr-Nice-Guy” comes out when I don't speak my complete truth out of fear of the other's reaction. It's almost like I can see how my comment will unfold with the other person so it's not even worth me saying as I know how it will end anyway. So I nod and agree which can lead to those earlier emotions of resentment, guilt and shame that I am not strong enough to state 100% what I believe.

Perfectionism A perfectionist I am not, however perfectionism still plagues me. I have fairly high standards for myself as far as the things I do. If I am going to do something I want to do it as well as possible and this really isn't a problem. When I feel into this topic I feel perfectionism is a way/reason/excuse not to start something. It is closely linked to procrastination in some aspects as it is another way to not get things done and it comes with a nicely justifiable excuse. You are basically saying to yourself “I am not ready. I am not good enough yet to start that project, business or whatever. I better study more then I'll be ready” I have considered the idea of becoming a life coach and guide to help others through the problems I have faced and conquered in my life. I then think about it too much and think, “My meditation practice isn't good enough, I need to learn some more breath-work techniques and then I will be ready. Oooo there's a new book about epigenictics, when I read that I'll start.” This sort of perfectionism will leave you spinning your wheels for a lifetime. We will never be fully ready and even though I know that, I still delay in some of the decisions and moves I want to make in my life. Obviously we can't be dillusional about it, thinking just because we learnt about the main organs of the human body in biology class we are now ready to perform open heart surgery. At some point though the young surgeon is going to have to make his first cut, perform a triple by-pass and sew the guy back up. It won't be he's best work and he will continue to grow as a result. Hopefully the patient will survive and he will go on to save many more lives. His other option is to just sit in the back of library reading and researching for the rest of his life. A good friend told me once “You don't need to know everything, you only need to be one step ahead of those who you are trying to help.”

I will break the answers down into seperate posts as not to overwelm the reader. How I Feel 1. Anxious - I used to get a strong feeling of anxiety when I would project my current situation into the future. I would assume that because something wasn't right now then it would be like that forever and would never work out. My outlook was so limited I was unable to see all of the possible routes, assuming that there was only one guarenteed outcome. When I think back to my past I think a lot of this came from society, parents and school. We were taught that you went to school, then Uni and after that you got a job for 40+ years and then you could enjoy life. It felt like a long prison sentence for a crime I hadn't comitted had been placed on me from an early age. I felt that when I would finally be "free" I'd be too old and frail to anything with my time anyway. Queue the booze and drugs. 2.Depressed - Obviously such a bleak outlook on what my life had to be like led to depression. Especially in my first years of University. I was doing a degree (Aeronautical Engineering) everyone else wanted me to do and because I was "good at maths and physics." I'd let my mum talk me out of doing Psychology because apparently "I didn't like writing" and all I could see was that I was going to be an engineer stuck in an office for the next 40 years. I couldn't get a girlfriend and I was drinking, like most uni students, way too much. I finally seeked help and saw the psychologist who immediately put me on anti-depressants. Something wasn't right. We'd only chatted for 15 minutes and no other solution was offered. When I took the first one I felt like I was coming up on a pill (ectasy) and knew I couldn't take these daily. I had to find another way. The following summer was a huge change for me when I had a huge epiphany, an almost religious experience. I was at friends house and we had all dropped pills (ironically) and were dancing away. There was a small china statue on the way to the toilet holding a small sign, although I can't rememeber what it said exactly, it grabbed my attention and as I was reading it Pablo Gargano - Everyone's Future came on and as I listened to the repetitive lyrics I knew that I was in charge of my life and I could choose my own future. It would take years to intergrate that knowledge into my being, however I have never really been depressed since that day as I only have to think back to that magical moment of divine intervention.