Mr Nice Guy This falls under the people pleasing category in my opinion. It comes from a fear of not being liked. In an attempt to be loved by all I carefully select which part of my personality to present to the group I am currently in. As I merntioned in a previous post this would create weird group dynamics as 2 different friends would know 2 different Bens. About 13 years ago I took me ex to see the school where I went to from age 11-18 and we met my old physics teacher. One of the those guys who went the extra mile for his students and colleagues. He even offered a room in his house to a very good friend of mine so he could study after his dad had committed suicide 6 weeks before our finals. Mr Clare what I legend. I told him that I had become a teacher like him and he was surprised. He said “I don't know what you would do but you always got on with so many people.” At first I took it as a bit of an insult to my choice of career. Then it made me think harder about what it meant. It was interesting that he noticed and it made me relaize that it wasn't as common as I thought it was. I thought most people got on with other people. I was able to relate to the “jocks” as I played for the school football, basketball and rugby team over the years. I also related to the “geeks” and was even invited into their secret computer clubhouse which Mr Clare had set up for them in an abondoned bomb shelter still standing on site after I scored a higher mark than them in the first 2 modules of our physics A-levels. I hung out with the smokers and potheads and liked a lot of the musicians. I never thought of myself as a “Mr Nice Guy.” Looking back with the knowledge I have now I was and am a very compassionate person with a high level of empathy and I can see both sides of an argument and defend both of them simultaneously to the disbelief of those on each side arguing it out. I am also interested in people's stories and have a deep-rooted need to help if I can. My “Mr-Nice-Guy” comes out when I don't speak my complete truth out of fear of the other's reaction. It's almost like I can see how my comment will unfold with the other person so it's not even worth me saying as I know how it will end anyway. So I nod and agree which can lead to those earlier emotions of resentment, guilt and shame that I am not strong enough to state 100% what I believe.

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Perfectionism A perfectionist I am not, however perfectionism still plagues me. I have fairly high standards for myself as far as the things I do. If I am going to do something I want to do it as well as possible and this really isn't a problem. When I feel into this topic I feel perfectionism is a way/reason/excuse not to start something. It is closely linked to procrastination in some aspects as it is another way to not get things done and it comes with a nicely justifiable excuse. You are basically saying to yourself “I am not ready. I am not good enough yet to start that project, business or whatever. I better study more then I'll be ready” I have considered the idea of becoming a life coach and guide to help others through the problems I have faced and conquered in my life. I then think about it too much and think, “My meditation practice isn't good enough, I need to learn some more breath-work techniques and then I will be ready. Oooo there's a new book about epigenictics, when I read that I'll start.” This sort of perfectionism will leave you spinning your wheels for a lifetime. We will never be fully ready and even though I know that, I still delay in some of the decisions and moves I want to make in my life. Obviously we can't be dillusional about it, thinking just because we learnt about the main organs of the human body in biology class we are now ready to perform open heart surgery. At some point though the young surgeon is going to have to make his first cut, perform a triple by-pass and sew the guy back up. It won't be he's best work and he will continue to grow as a result. Hopefully the patient will survive and he will go on to save many more lives. His other option is to just sit in the back of library reading and researching for the rest of his life. A good friend told me once “You don't need to know everything, you only need to be one step ahead of those who you are trying to help.”

Procrastination Ooooo, one of my favourites, I am nearly a certified expert at this one. How one can fill time with so much activity and achieve so little? A true master is born. Obviuosly we are not placing blame when doing these exercises, but more so looking for the reasons why certain behaviours were adopted and intergrated into our daily lives, molding our characters. Remember we run on about 95% subconcious programming and until we step back and reprogram ourselves we will rerun these loops of behaviour until death do us part. When I look back as to why I don't just get shit done I strongly believe it comes from school and to some extent home life as well as later in certain work environments. I was always a fairly bright student and enjoyed completing the tasks, assignments in most subjects. I was a particularly strong mathmatician and I loved science. I just had a knack for understanding subjects and being able to explain them back to the class. It's probably why I was a primary school teacher for 7 years. The problem though, came when I was in class and finished an exercise. Rather than being told well done, now go and do something you want to do, I was given an extra assignment as a reward. Ohhh grrrrrreat. Thank you so much. Are you sure? I really don't deserve such a kind gift. (Note: I tend to use sarcasm to fully express myself if you hadn't picked up on that) So how does the child's mind interpret such a response. Don't finish your work or you'll just get more. It's better to piss about and do the bare minimum. Heck, why not just leave the thing unitl the last minute and do what you want until then? Do a rush job at the end and still pass. This became my programming for a very long time. And to some extent it still is. I get a rush doing the highly-focused, high-intense task which despite having had 3 months to do it, is due in a few days! If I have a long time to do something, there's that niggle “They'll just give you more if you do it too quickly or too well.” And in 99% of cases you won't be compenstated for it.

People pleasing Everyone must like me! Why is it not OK that people are not OK with me? I don't know exactly where it comes from but I was always one to make sure that people approved of my behaviour. This most likely stems from the conditional love I received as a child and later on. I remember leaving my classroom at the age of 6 or 7 and heading to the school office where my mum worked part-time excited to show her my artwork that I had gotten an A+ for. I also had a maths test on which I hadn't done so well. I think I had a D+ or something. I couldn't wait for her to see the “masterpiece” I had created and praise me for my A+. She barely noticed it and honed in on my maths paper. “What happened here!? Why did you do so badly?” etc etc. I tried to point out my artwork and was ignored. This was a running theme in my upbringing. Getting good grades wasn't a good thing per se. It was expected and anything else meant I was berated. I also, moved about as a kid from the UK to the USA where I was laughed at for using words like trousers and tap instead of pants and faucet. The reverse happened when I moved back to the UK. I was teased for my American accent, mullet and earring. I learned to adapt like a chameleon. I quickly lost my southern Cali surfer dude accent and spoke proper British-like. I cut my long curls off within a month of starting the last year of primary school and 2 years later I finally caved into bullying at secondary school and removed my earring. I have been an open person as a result able to see past the masks of most people to see their inner beauty which would result in me acting, in part, the same way as them. Almost like a mirror to their behaviour so they would relate to me. This would cause me to have many personas. To the point where I wouldn't invite some people from seperate groups to the same event, as I felt I couldn't maintain the 2 personas at the same time. I was worried that my friends would see this other side of me which they didn't know and think that's not Ben when in reality neither were really who I was.