People pleasing Everyone must like me! Why is it not OK that people are not OK with me? I don't know exactly where it comes from but I was always one to make sure that people approved of my behaviour. This most likely stems from the conditional love I received as a child and later on. I remember leaving my classroom at the age of 6 or 7 and heading to the school office where my mum worked part-time excited to show her my artwork that I had gotten an A+ for. I also had a maths test on which I hadn't done so well. I think I had a D+ or something. I couldn't wait for her to see the “masterpiece” I had created and praise me for my A+. She barely noticed it and honed in on my maths paper. “What happened here!? Why did you do so badly?” etc etc. I tried to point out my artwork and was ignored. This was a running theme in my upbringing. Getting good grades wasn't a good thing per se. It was expected and anything else meant I was berated. I also, moved about as a kid from the UK to the USA where I was laughed at for using words like trousers and tap instead of pants and faucet. The reverse happened when I moved back to the UK. I was teased for my American accent, mullet and earring. I learned to adapt like a chameleon. I quickly lost my southern Cali surfer dude accent and spoke proper British-like. I cut my long curls off within a month of starting the last year of primary school and 2 years later I finally caved into bullying at secondary school and removed my earring. I have been an open person as a result able to see past the masks of most people to see their inner beauty which would result in me acting, in part, the same way as them. Almost like a mirror to their behaviour so they would relate to me. This would cause me to have many personas. To the point where I wouldn't invite some people from seperate groups to the same event, as I felt I couldn't maintain the 2 personas at the same time. I was worried that my friends would see this other side of me which they didn't know and think that's not Ben when in reality neither were really who I was.

Recently I’ve hit a good amount of resistance when setting aside time to do the Work. I joined our calls and brought my questions and thoughts and current state to the group for guidance, and without fail these fine men helped me find out what I needed. We each can see these things from a different perspective, and that’s why I know I’m here, to offer my perspective and knowledge to those in need. *And that’s why it’s important to join the calls when you can!* =D My inner dialogue was loud… it was recommended to just listen to it for a few minutes, what’s being said, give it attention. A few minutes go by “okay Nick, this is a safe space, you are never going to be punished for your emotions, even if you’re mad at me, your mom, your dad, anyone.” My intentions have been to let my inner child hear this and feel it. So what comes out? Something I thought I handled. I was confused to see the memory come forward, filled with confusion. “I don’t get it! But I’m fucking scared.” As an adult NOW I can look at that moment, my mother being completely wasted after drinking a bottle of rum and driving me and my sister around at the age of (13?) I can look at that memory as an adult “that’s a sickness, she’s always struggled with this, she’s only a human” and I can defend her. BUT when I was a child I could not comprehend the fear, confusion, or guilt of it. So thank you to the guys that were available and listened and spoke up. *The release was so strong I was left shaking for about 10 minutes afterwards.

Another great call in the Q&A this week discussing Medication and our relationship with a diagnosis or label. How to use journaling to support your practice and we discussed the most important thing NOT to do when you are doing this work. All Q&A calls can be found in the FAQ section of the classroom. https://www.skool.com/the-lighthouse-project/classroom/852281d5?md=5c7720a13e654537b941c977bb37e43a Once again, I want to reiterate that the destination of presence, peace and authenticity is available to everyone. All you have to do is keep logging in, turn up for yourself and reach out for support when you need it and you WILL get there. I have spoken to some that have given up already, never reaching out or turning up. Don't be that guy, you deserve better.

Irritable – I am generally only irritable when I am tired which is a sign I am not looking after myself. I am much quicker to spot these feelings brewing and quickly speak up saying "No, I won't do that I need self-care right now." I take baths, something I thought I never had time for, take the dogs for a walk or jsut sit and listen to music. I am also a lot better at accepting what is, and that, everyone is doing their best in the very moment. Judgement drops about them "doing things TO me" and acceptance enters. This leads to a much more peaceful existence.

As recent major life events have been happening in my world recently, new home, surprise big bills, second baby on the way, I had a bit of a shift internally. It was subtle enough over a few days or maybe a week... my inner dialogue became destructive. It was effecting meditations, and being projected onto others. Genuine classic "this isn't working, am I doing this right? I'm not good at this. What's the point tonight?" It goes on, and on, and on... The way I show up for my actual son was turning into how I was showing up for my inner child during meditation. Getting impatient, I could be more kind, probably not comforting or mindful at times. And I have experienced this before, I'll always be transparent and open with you men here because it's the truth! Showing up for yourself, your inner dialogue plays a very important roll. So what shows up for me tonight? Anger and scared. I spent a long time traveling the US to follow a career path that I thought I wanted, ended up with my dream job in San Francisco, to be washed out by a few men that destroyed all self confidence that I had and bullied me on a personal level. I fought through that for as long as I could until I simply couldn't handle it anymore, so tonight during meditation I came face to face with those men, I DID NOT WANT TO BE IN THAT MOMENT the feelings were so uncomfortable. So I stayed for as long as I could until the emotions felt they had calmed down 5-7 minutes? And made my intentions known to younger me which ended with "I'll be back tomorrow". * Join the calls gents *