Shabbat Shalom everyone, I hope yall are doing well, and have enjoyed the sabbath day. Honestly going through the first video within Internal awareness and clarity, it brought to mind two specific things, the first that Yahuah always works within the internal then it showcases in the external, and the second, a phrase stated by Carl Jung which says, "he who looks outside dreams but he who looks within awakens". The video brought so much to mind with emphasis on questioning the mentality I work under, focusing on the external while battling in the eternal. And just a question to really get others thinking, isnt the fact that everything we use or how we were created emphasizes that everything begins within , then exists outside , with the concept of ideas ?

This first video was truly a blessing. The visible world is sustained by invisible order- beautiful!! I have the opposite struggle that this video speaks on, unfortunately. There is too much that I habitually don’t do & I am so undisciplined. I know it has so much to do with not feeling like I am worth taking care of + not valuing what I have enough to steward it well. I want to do the inner work & healing in order to become a disciplined person who is also aligned in the unseen!

I have recently realized how much fear of rejection ruins my thought patterns, my perception and my self-esteem. I have been trying to identify the root of it, but the thing is, I have very little Memory of my childhood! As an adult, I faced rejection from my first husband. When our child was born, and my eyes were opened to the miracle that is motherhood/birth, I wanted to change my whole life. I wanted to quit working as a teacher, find a way to stay home with her and work from home. This was basically the beginning do my walk with The Most High. Now, when he saw I changed so much, he didn’t like it. “You’re an unhealthy kind of mother, why do you want to be with her all day every day? Why breastfeed when you can do other things?”. Well he eventually kicked me and her out, we had to leave Brooklyn and move back into my childhood home with my parents. He later filed paperwork on me, accusing me of kidnapping our child, dragged me through court. I hate to even say all this because it sounds like victim Olympics 😂 bc I do see this as Yahs way of getting us out of there. There are more details, none that matter. But this fear of rejection continues. Now, with friendships and my family even, my fear of enduring that kind of rejection again keeps me stuck in a lot of ways. Even with trying to step into my calling as a baker, I am literally paralyzed sometimes by the fear of “what if they don’t like what I made? What if I disappoint them?”. With friends, it’s “once they find out who I serve, they’ll turn against me so I’d better not be too open or I’ll get hurt”. Even typing this brings tears. I have to work hard at reminding myself that the only one who matters at the end of it is Yah, The Most High. And His approval is what I am seeking. “Well done good and faithful servant”. So I work hard each day to fight in the spirit, asking Him to renew my spirit, give me the courage of Daniel and Kaleb and all the many examples of scripture. I know that rejection is something most of us deal with and o think bc I have dealt with it for so long now, I thought it was “ok” with it. The truth is, operating from this place of being so scared of rejection puts me at risk for making choices based off EMOTIONS. And that has never served me well. So this is my new goal: to really rebuke this fear of rejection. It sounds so silly and small when I type it all out. But I’ve written and erased before, I’m going to face my fear of rejection *right now* and post this! Even though im afraid of the judgement and rejection I may get from you all! If I don’t fight “it”, “it” will win. Shabbat shalom my brothers and sisters 🙏🏿🙏🏿🙏🏿🙏🏿 all the glory and all the esteem to our Creator our One Most High El, Yahuah my Abba 🙏🏿🙏🏿🙏🏿🙏🏿🤎🤎🤎🤎

One of the things I’ve been focusing on is a lack of money. I work full time, but we still live paycheck to paycheck. I find myself stressing over money frequently and how I’m going to pay certain bills. I’ve realized that we already have the money to pay our bills. Yah has provided everything we need. Other things, like cable, WiFi, etc aren’t needs, so why do I stress about them? Another area of lack that I focus on is lack of joy. I’ve felt this way for so long and I don’t know what true joy feels like. But I know that the Holy Spirit lives inside of me so with Him, I can have joy. With Him, I have everything I need. And thank you for talking about The Observing Effect and the Reticular Activating System. I’m going to research these!

Staying on the topic of my “self care” journey, after digesting this video really had me go back to where I was a child. It reminded me of what spirit I was raised by and where the unhealthy food relationship began. I remember after getting a whopping my great cousin ( she acted as a grandmother figure to me ) would always ask “you want some sweets” and my brother would automatically say no as a protest to his discipline but on the other hand I would gladly say yes and be satisfied and even get what we know now as a spike of dopamine and forget about the discipline that happened before the sugar. Then there’s times where I had to clean my plate before I got up from the table. That subconsciously that taught me that food was to be eaten no matter how full or satiated you are. What I now realize is that in my earlier years Gluttony essentially raised me and I didn’t depart from its teachings - even until this day. That aunt is still alive but it has taken over her life. I love her to life for doing her best to raise me despite the abuse and spirits she was raised by. She is bed ridden and on oxygen but still pushing and praying! My desire is to break the cycle before gluttony ends up raising my children’s children!