May 16 • Internal awareness and clarity
Identifying negative cycles that work against you
I have recently realized how much fear of rejection ruins my thought patterns, my perception and my self-esteem. I have been trying to identify the root of it, but the thing is, I have very little Memory of my childhood! As an adult, I faced rejection from my first husband. When our child was born, and my eyes were opened to the miracle that is motherhood/birth, I wanted to change my whole life. I wanted to quit working as a teacher, find a way to stay home with her and work from home. This was basically the beginning do my walk with The Most High. Now, when he saw I changed so much, he didn’t like it. “You’re an unhealthy kind of mother, why do you want to be with her all day every day? Why breastfeed when you can do other things?”. Well he eventually kicked me and her out, we had to leave Brooklyn and move back into my childhood home with my parents. He later filed paperwork on me, accusing me of kidnapping our child, dragged me through court. I hate to even say all this because it sounds like victim Olympics 😂 bc I do see this as Yahs way of getting us out of there. There are more details, none that matter. But this fear of rejection continues. Now, with friendships and my family even, my fear of enduring that kind of rejection again keeps me stuck in a lot of ways. Even with trying to step into my calling as a baker, I am literally paralyzed sometimes by the fear of “what if they don’t like what I made? What if I disappoint them?”. With friends, it’s “once they find out who I serve, they’ll turn against me so I’d better not be too open or I’ll get hurt”. Even typing this brings tears. I have to work hard at reminding myself that the only one who matters at the end of it is Yah, The Most High. And His approval is what I am seeking. “Well done good and faithful servant”. So I work hard each day to fight in the spirit, asking Him to renew my spirit, give me the courage of Daniel and Kaleb and all the many examples of scripture. I know that rejection is something most of us deal with and o think bc I have dealt with it for so long now, I thought it was “ok” with it. The truth is, operating from this place of being so scared of rejection puts me at risk for making choices based off EMOTIONS. And that has never served me well. So this is my new goal: to really rebuke this fear of rejection. It sounds so silly and small when I type it all out. But I’ve written and erased before, I’m going to face my fear of rejection *right now* and post this! Even though im afraid of the judgement and rejection I may get from you all! If I don’t fight “it”, “it” will win. Shabbat shalom my brothers and sisters 🙏🏿🙏🏿🙏🏿🙏🏿 all the glory and all the esteem to our Creator our One Most High El, Yahuah my Abba 🙏🏿🙏🏿🙏🏿🙏🏿🤎🤎🤎🤎
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Identifying negative cycles that work against you
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