Caught creating a self · The Consciousness Path

Caught creating a self

One day, when I was a teenager, I caught myself creating a self.

I was sitting in a balcony in my flat in Kyiv when it suddenly hit me that I had to take on some personal qualities to become 'a someone'. I didn't know WHY I had to be that particular someone. Everybody seemed to be doing it - and the only alternative to that was "being noone", and I didn't want that.

The curious part was, deep down, I didn't feel like any of the qualities I could assume would describe me truthfully. I knew that every quality would be a lie or an act, but I had to do that anyway, because it was the only game in town.

I wasn't conscious back then of the real reasons why I was doing it. I didn't question who I really was at that point. Today I was contemplating "Why did I feel compelled to create and maintain a sense of being a particular self in the first place?", and this memory came up. So I decided to share it because I thought it was interesting.

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