Hi Superparents, For those of us in high-conflict co-parenting relationships, we all know the feeling. You are having a perfectly fine day, and suddenly, your phone buzzes. It’s a text out of nowhere, completely off-topic, specifically designed to get under your skin. Your natural instinct is to defend yourself. You want to prove them wrong. You want to justify your actions. In a normal relationship, that works. But when dealing with a narcissist, your reaction is exactly what they want. They want to stir your emotions, hijack your day, and steal your peace. The Psychology: Addiction to Drama 🧠 Through my own experience and talking with many of you, I started noticing a pattern. It seemed like whenever my high-conflict co-parent was going through their own difficult situation, they had to create conflict with me. It was like an addict needing a fix. And psychologically, that is exactly what is happening. Emotional Externalization: Narcissists lack the internal tools to self-soothe or process negative emotions (like shame, stress, or failure). When they feel bad, their coping mechanism is to provoke someone else. If they can make you angry or upset, they successfully offload their internal chaos onto you. Your emotional reaction is the "supply" that temporarily regulates their self-esteem. In The Boy with the Blue Bike, Leo and Jasper experience this exact dynamic in Mirrorland. Three intimidating people in suits start hovering over them, feeding off their energy. They only get "hooked" when the boys react. But Leo figures out the superpower. He says, "Stop!". When the boys stop reacting and go completely silent, the suits lose their supply. They simply pretend to do something else and walk away. When you start setting boundaries and refusing to take the bait, the narcissist will go through a withdrawal syndrome. They will escalate. They will send a burst of chaotic messages because their usual "drug" (your reaction) is being withheld. Even when you become a pro at spotting the bait, dealing with this withdrawal burst is exhausting. It takes immense grace to stay silent. But once you weather that storm, they eventually learn that your house is no longer a source of supply. They will think twice before starting a scene.

The fundamental difference is simple: Narcissists thrive on chaos. Kids thrive on routine. The narcissist uses unpredictability to control people. They keep everyone off-balance to "gain" compliance (which they confuse with love). For adults, this creates a trauma bond—an addiction to the highs and lows that can take years to detox from. But for kids? It is terrifying. Children are defenseless. They believe everything the adults in their lives tell them. When they grow up in a house where the rules constantly change and love is conditional, they develop a distorted vision of reality. They start to believe that "love" means walking on eggshells. The Psychology: The "Fawn" Response 🦌 When a child cannot fight back (Fight) and cannot leave (Flight), they survive by becoming incredibly pleasing. They suppress their own needs, personality, and feelings to merge with the abuser's expectations. They become "perfect" to stay safe. In The Boy with the Blue Bike, we see this in Perfect Point—kids terrified of making even a small mistake because they know the environment isn't safe for imperfection. Your Mission: The Anti-Chaos Strategy You cannot control what happens in the other house. But you can make your house the antidote. 1. Predictability is Safety 📅 Since they don't get stability over there, you must overdose them on it here. - Preview the Future: Let them know the plan in advance. "Tomorrow we are going to the park, then we will have lunch." - The "10-Minute Warning": Never spring a sudden transition on them. "In 10 minutes, we are leaving." - Why: When a child knows what is coming, their nervous system can finally relax. They don't have to be hyper-vigilant. 2. Strategic Silence (Protecting the Supply) 🤐 Be incredibly careful about what you share with the narcissist. If you tell the narc, "The kids love their new soccer coach," the narc might suddenly decide soccer is "stupid" or refuse to take them, just to hurt you. The result? The kids suffer. Outsmart the narc by keeping the things your children love out of the conflict zone. Protect their joy by protecting your privacy.