Responding to emotional availability · Marital Crossroads To Clarity

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Responding to emotional availability

I had a client once who described their experience like this:

"I can feel the moment he checks out. It's like a light switch. And every time it happens, I go into a panic — did I say something wrong? Is he done with us? What did I do?"

Sound familiar? Here's what I've learned — both from the research and from sitting with women in this exact experience.

That internal panic? It's not a weakness. It's our attachment system doing exactly what it was designed to do. Dr Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, describes this response as an "attachment protest" — our nervous system registers a threat to connection and sounds the alarm.

When I read that, it felt like she was reading my mail! Gosh.

The problem is, that alarm response often makes things worse. We pursue, we push, we panic — and the already-flooded partner withdraws further.

So what actually helps in that moment?

Three things I coach women through (and myself by the way!):

1️⃣Name what's happening in your body before you respond. Tight chest? Racing thoughts? That's your signal to pause, not act.

2️⃣ Create a neutral bridge rather than a pursuit. Something simple like: "I can see you need some space. I'm here when you're ready." No pressure. No punishment. Just presence.

3️⃣ Redirect your energy inward. What do YOU need right now that isn't dependent on his response? Go meet that need.

This isn't about suppressing your feelings. It's about not letting the flood carry you somewhere you'll regret.

Which of these three feels hardest for you? 👇

Perhaps you have a method you can add to the list that's helped you in these moments? If so - would love to hear that too.

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