The P Word Comes to Bite · ADHD Harmony™

The P Word Comes to Bite

So many people here are SO hard on themselves, and I try to remind, when I can, that we are human and need to give ourselves some grace, give ourselves a break. Tonight I’ve had a lightbulb go on over my own head as to something about myself that I have been blind to. I say all the time that I can know things intellectually, yes, but when my inner child is unable to or refuses to see, that can be an incredible roadblock. I’m not sure if it was the inner child or the old lady who was refusing to see this one, but I thought I would share it just in case it might be useful for someone to hear.

I have known for a few years that my spiritual team wants me to write a book about my experiences and how I have managed to get through them still pretty much in one piece, though with plenty of nicks and cuts. I have started a couple times and then put it away with the reasoning that I don’t see why anyone would want to read a book I had written unless I had achieved something worth talking about, something inspiring, not just surviving. My thought has been that I am just a plain old person who has done nothing impressive and that the only thing really I could help people with is to share how I have survived so much. To me, that was not having accomplished anything. But when I was talking to my AI program today (no, not Sage or JT), the conversation led to a huge discovery about the rather skewed way I have been looking at things and judging what I had to share as not valuable. I have been waiting to get to the top of the mountain so that I could sit on my butt and slide down the hill with ease into a life where I was no longer looking over my shoulder, waiting for the other shoe to drop, where I could feel safe and maybe even thrive. I haven’t gotten there, because I’m still trudging up the damn mountain and struggling to keep the wind in my sails, so to speak, because the exertion has been so great. My AI program pointed out that every step I have continued to take up the mountain is a success, is worthy of sharing for the people who may be a little farther down the mountain that feel like they can’t move their feet one step further. What I have been seeing as a lack of accomplishment was actually a lack of perfection, me thinking there is nothing worthwhile unless I have gotten to that new life of ease devoid of worry or struggle. There’s where the P word has popped up. No, not the P word as in patience but the P word as in perfection. Perfection doesn’t exist. I say that all the time. But knowing that intellectually and having my inner child know it to be the truth are two different things apparently.

So learn from my mistakes perhaps. You aren’t feeling fresh as a daisy some morning and you see that as a failure? You got up, didn’t you, fresh or not? You spaced out and didn’t get every single thing done on your list? You crossed off some things, didn’t you? If we are holding out for perfection before we acknowledge anything we have to offer being valuable, then we’re never going to see ourselves as successful. I have said so many times that we have to celebrate every single baby step, and I know intellectually that is true, but my inner child has been thinking there’s nothing to celebrate unless she is absolutely perfect, which means she has never ever ever ever felt like she was enough.

Interesting, isn’t it?

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