Are you in love with your goals or are you normal?

I've discovered a pattern within myself that I believe a lot of us are struggling with, even if you don't know it yet.

This post is about limerence:

Limerence is an: obsessive compulsive engagement in unrealistic fantasies toward someone else.

These feelings are pleasant to have. They feel like love. However, the problem is that you are less likely to successfully build a relationship with your limerent object (the person you are obsessed with) due to being more interested in the fantasy than the real person.

love leads to action. limerence leads to inaction or self sabotage due to fear of rejection that would destroy the pleasant fantasy.

ps. This post is about goal making not love making🙃

I've discovered that my grandiose goals were not real goals that I moved towards. Just like my limerence was not real love, it just felt good to fantasize about. If the fantasy gets you more dopamine than the pursuit, then all you will do is fantasize.

For example, I would spend hours fantasizing about what I would buy if I was rich, what the best private jet was, and how expensive luxury watches were. Finding the answer to these stupid questions was how I got my dopamine fix.

That's why I never got closer to my dreams. That's why I was never motivated. I would just engage in fantasy for 3 hours, get my dopamine fix, and then I would do nothing to make it a reality and wonder why I couldn't do anything, even though I claimed I really wanted to. This is a recipe for The Big Sad.

The solution is to make a good goal...

You might say, "I want to be famous." But if you dig deep down by asking "why" a few times, the answer could be "to feel loved" For that person, their real goal was to feel loved, not be famous.

acknowledge that and follow your true goal it's much more achievable that way because you will be more motivated

"I want to be rich." do you though? do you want to see big numbers on your banking app? or do you want the lifestyle? and the financial security.

Think about the specific emotions you want your goals to give you. What specific change will it have on your day-to-day life if it were to happen? and why? what is the benefit?

Ask yourself what the real intended final destination is. Don't be judgmental if it is something like "to make someone proud." Allow yourself to be surprised with the answer. Ask yourself, "What is the benefit of having (insert goal)?"

Here are the signs that your goals are fantasies:

You are okay with not having it

How much pain would you feel if you found out your dream was never going to happen? What are you willing to sacrifice for it? what amount of pain are you willing to endure to achieve your goals?if you are not willing to go through hell for your goals then don't.

Don't beat yourself up more than what it actually means to you

if you are not willing to do much for this dream of yours, why do you choose to have it?

is it because having the dream itself feels good to you? maybe aspirational? this would only lead to disappointment when you realize you have not gotten any closer. I recommend you kill your dream and just be honest with yourself "hey this goal requires massive sacrifice and I am not willing to do that therefore I will never have it and that is something I can live with"

2. It is variable

Can any of the details of your goal be changed? For example, if your goal is to make $100,000, would you be okay with making $99,000? If the answer is yes, then maybe the figure $100,000 never meant anything to you.

Why is this a problem? it's not really a problem but it signals that your goal and what you are actually chasing are two different things. it says that it is not about the number, it's about what it allows you to do

What motivates you is not the $100k it's what you imagine the $100K to do change your goals to that and you will be much more motivated.

This is easy to fix. therefore what you need to do is go find out what you want and how much that thing costs.

Example: you might find out you just don't want to worry about the costs of restaurants then just do the math on how much money it would cost a year on restaurants if you could go whenever, you want

Outcome of this exercise:

you say your goal is to be fit but then decide to buy a sugary drink.

why did you do that?

because sugar drink yum and gym ehh...

you don't think gym=health & happiness

you think gym=sweat and sugary drink always beats sweat

if you're goal is health and happiness and you decide gym is the way you are more likely to go.

a good goal motivates and does not distract

I wrote and posted this on reddit 3 years ago i just wanted to share it here again as a way say hi👋

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