A quick peck on the cheek on your way out the door is just a polite habit. Dr. John Gottman’s research shows that a 6-second kiss is long enough to change the biochemistry of your relationship. It is an intentional pause that signals you are still partners. But if that feels like a "movie kiss," or if you are in a season of distance, a 6-second kiss might feel like too far of a bridge to cross today. If so, there is an alternative: The 20-second hug. Research shows that embracing for 20 seconds or more releases oxytocin (the bonding hormone) and lowers your heart rate. It physically forces your nervous systems to calm down and co-regulate. Assignment: Choose your reset today. A 6-second kiss or a 20-second hug. Stay in it long enough to feel the tension leave your shoulders. Pro tip: Don’t make it weird by counting out loud. (Ask how we know...) 😂

Is there a third person in your marriage? There is if you bring your phone to bed. When the last thing you see at night and the first thing you see in the morning is a screen, you are training your brain to connect with pixels instead of people. Radical Challenge: Charge your phones in the kitchen tonight. Buy an old-school alarm clock. Make the bedroom a sanctuary for sleep and intimacy only. See what happens to your connection when the notifications stop.

It is easy to slip into a routine of simply sharing an address. You sit in the same room. You unwind at the end of the day. You manage the same household. But you are operating on separate tracks. You are co-existing, but you are not connecting. This dynamic isn't hostile, but it is lonely. Proximity is not the same as presence. You can be two feet away from your spouse and still feel miles apart. Sean and I experienced this "slow fade" in our early marriage. We let the daily routines create a wedge and allowed distractions to become a complete disconnection. Living as roommates gave us a distorted view of each other and pushed our marriage to the brink of destruction. Disrupt the Pattern: Shift from just sharing space to sharing presence. Turn toward your spouse tonight. Ask a question that has nothing to do with the schedule or the house. "What was the best part of your day?" Acknowledge them. Remind them that they are more than just your roommate.

You pay bills together. You coordinate kid drop-offs. You watch Netflix. But you no longer know each other. This is the Roommate Phase. It is functional, but it is dangerous. We went through this phase in our early marriage, which facilitated our almost divorce over 20 years ago. Our parenting went into a sort of "divide and conquer" mindset. It was a slow progression, and we didn't even see it until it was too late and extreme disconnect and unhealthy habits were in place. Disrupt the routine today. Ask a question that has nothing to do with logistics. "What can I do this week to help you feel supported?"

You assume you know why they did it. You think they left the socks on the floor to disrespect you. You think they were quiet because they are angry. This is mind-reading. It is dangerous. Rule: You must ask. You cannot assume. Say this instead. "I noticed you are quiet. I am telling myself you are mad at me. Is that true?" Clarify before you fight.