DAY 21 of 28 | welcoming lightness
I was reluctant to share this. Often, guides and teachers are believed to have it all together. Awakened and cool as cucumbers. But I am going to be real with you. I still feel everything you feel. I have a system. And yes, it works. But it is not linear. Here is the radical and honest truth: Sometimes things ache into the marrow of your bones. This past year has been marked by significant loss for me. The Year of the Snake has revealed gifts I would not have chosen, yet somehow needed. Yes, I call this grief a gift (and I know not everyone will agree). Not because it feels good. But because it mirrors how deeply I have loved. The pain is in direct proportion to the love. And some days it presses against my ribs like it wants to be known. What is the alternative? Numbness? At one point in my life, I would have chosen that. An old familiar mask. A quiet disappearance. But losing everything once before taught me something sacred. Numbing is best replaced with intention. 'No thing' can hold us if we are willing to feel. So now, each morning and night, I whisper my sankalpa. I surrender to stillness. I release the need to fix what hurts. I allow myself to be held by something larger than my fear. The void has become a safe place. And still, grief visits. Today, after my Nidra, it crept back in. Heavy. Low and settling into my chest. For a moment, I felt that old pull to retreat. Instead, I stood up and went for a walk. I sent gratitude to the trees. To the lake. To the mountains. To the winter wind brushing my cheeks. To the warm coat wrapped around my body. I even sent gratitude to the ache in my heart... And slowly, something shifted. The tightness began to loosen. My breath deepened. AND I AM NOT KIDDING YOU... The sun came out. It just simply arrived. I turned toward it and smiled while tears ran down my face. My sweet Sun. My remembrance. I am safe. I am alive. I am. Lightness does not always announce itself. Sometimes it comes as relief.