Noticed the old worry's dropping away and creativity coming back 😁 im shookith to the amount i have changed my mind set in 1 month, forever greatful to this process.

My garandad past when I was 9, he was the rock that held the family together, losing him changed a lot, wild camping slowed to almost none excitent, we lost a great man early and we all lost ourselves in that moment, mark went quite, I couldn't stop crying and dad well he went into the mode of taking grandads place as the rock of the family and he never felt like he ever filled the boots, I grew up quick after that, I was smoking and drinking before 10 hanging out with the older boys in school, by the time I left high school id tried most things drug wise, tried ever liquor on offer and had a hatred for the world that knew no boundaries, my teen was angry 😡 so angry, she was lost with no hope of ever living a for filling life with everyone she loved in the ground, I have a lot of grief to deal with this month and my god ive never cried so much in my life, my big brother had so much to offer, he was being scouted by scotland ruby team in high school had job offers from several car dealerships cos of his knowledge of cars for when he finished school just cut short by 1 mistake, my dad still had so much to teach me and my little brother and little sisters had berly began life, Nathan was my little shadow, went everywhere with me, if i tried to go without him he just followed me 😂 Gemma was a mini me in almost every way, i was asked a few times if she was my daughter, she was so quite and my name was her first word well panda 🐼 😁, the twins my god they might have been twins but they were so different Charlotte was the one who was going to have a clutch of book and glasses on the end of her nose and Charlene was gonna be the cheer leader, i miss them so much, so much time has past they would all be in there 20s now, I often find myself wondering how they would be now, i need to set the grief down now, it has never served me and letting go of the grief doesn't mean im letting go of them, so much death in my teens, its no wonder she was angry and it helped me survive those years but she can take a seat and relax those muscles, it's my turn to see us through this storm ⛈️

Even as toddler I had to “read the room” as far as mum was concerned. It was always like that from when I was so tiny. It had to be that way to keep myself safe from her fluctuating moods & erratic punishments. So I really don’t remember anything specific happening at any particular age. My sister is nearly 5 years younger than me. As soon as she was born it was my job to do everything for her that Mum could possibly palm off on me. I was already “programmed “ to do everything I was told without question, so it just felt normal to me to take on my sister & her needs. Mum used to brag to people that “Lynne does everything for her”. It really shouldn’t have been my job. She wasn’t my kid, but that’s the way it was. My brother is 10 years younger than me. He was “my second child”. I wasn’t allowed to go out to play with friends unless I took him with me. A friend had a sister (Wendy) the same age as my brother. She was a surprise baby & was adored by the whole family. Her mum was so lovely, told me to leave him with her & she’d look after him, the little ones could play together. One day Wendy’s neighbour took her out to the shops & on the way back she ran into the main road in front of a lorry. She didn’t stand a chance. She was three years old. As soon as my mum found out she stopped making me take my brother everywhere with me. I now had a little freedom, but my friends family never got over the loss of their little angel.

I questioned everything I was ever told in my teens, still do to this day, I'm realizing were that comes from, my dad and the kids death was ruled an accident but I know better, my dad would hide all lighter in the house but apparently they assumed the kids got a lighter and set fire to a pile of clothes in there room cos they were cold? In a triple glacing house, never mind id been in that house and it was an oven, my step mum also changed her story twice and my aister Suzanne who wasn't my dad's was uncharacteristically early to school that morning and Nathan and Gemma were kept off, my dad also had life insurance which he always said he would never do, and it just so happened to be at the amount that only Jackie got anything from that insurance, this was never properly investigated and teen me wanted to kill Jackie, like i had a plan and everything, this women was the full to my rage for most of my life and honestly im really struggling with letting this one go, she killed my family and got away with it, i want her to pay and i want to be the one to do and im not sorry for that either i would happily do the time with a smile on my face and i don't care how insane that makes me sound.

Im still healing somtimes that means you dont need all the answers you dont have to be anywhere or anyone, choices so many choices whats the real choice for me is the pause. How often do we forget the small moments the sun shining the wind blowing slow down step back and enjoy it. Haven't wanted to comment or interact and that's alright ive realised being yourself signs more permission slips than anything else. Ive given myself permission to pause to be misunderstood to set aside the struggle let go of the expection there not even really yours. own your losses and wins let go and let the love in, so take a pause and know you have the power to rewrite the script We you cease to be of use you can simply be 🙏