My garandad past when I was 9, he was the rock that held the family together, losing him changed a lot, wild camping slowed to almost none excitent, we lost a great man early and we all lost ourselves in that moment, mark went quite, I couldn't stop crying and dad well he went into the mode of taking grandads place as the rock of the family and he never felt like he ever filled the boots, I grew up quick after that, I was smoking and drinking before 10 hanging out with the older boys in school, by the time I left high school id tried most things drug wise, tried ever liquor on offer and had a hatred for the world that knew no boundaries, my teen was angry 😡 so angry, she was lost with no hope of ever living a for filling life with everyone she loved in the ground, I have a lot of grief to deal with this month and my god ive never cried so much in my life, my big brother had so much to offer, he was being scouted by scotland ruby team in high school had job offers from several car dealerships cos of his knowledge of cars for when he finished school just cut short by 1 mistake, my dad still had so much to teach me and my little brother and little sisters had berly began life, Nathan was my little shadow, went everywhere with me, if i tried to go without him he just followed me 😂 Gemma was a mini me in almost every way, i was asked a few times if she was my daughter, she was so quite and my name was her first word well panda 🐼 😁, the twins my god they might have been twins but they were so different Charlotte was the one who was going to have a clutch of book and glasses on the end of her nose and Charlene was gonna be the cheer leader, i miss them so much, so much time has past they would all be in there 20s now, I often find myself wondering how they would be now, i need to set the grief down now, it has never served me and letting go of the grief doesn't mean im letting go of them, so much death in my teens, its no wonder she was angry and it helped me survive those years but she can take a seat and relax those muscles, it's my turn to see us through this storm ⛈️

Well… I started smoking cigarettes at 11 years old. Woulda been about the same time I was drinking cider laced with voddie, which was very easy to obtain as my nan ran a country pub which we visited every weekend. A few years later I added super skunk to self-medicating list. Guess I was very lucky I didn’t go much further down the druggie route, which is very surprising seeing as I have/had an addictive personality. If I liked something - no matter what it was - I’d want to do it again & again & again. I stopped the skunk about 15 years ago. Binned the cigarettes a year later. I like a nice glass of wine most evenings. Just the one. I now drink it for taste, not for effect. I spent as much time as possible out of the house to keep away from my crazy parents. “You treat this place like a hotel” is what they used to say. I used to be pretty sure I wouldn’t have been knocked about & mind-fucked in a hotel. But hey, here I am. Still here 😊

Noticed the old worry's dropping away and creativity coming back 😁 im shookith to the amount i have changed my mind set in 1 month, forever greatful to this process.

Next Saturday I’m going to a pretty country pub on a river for a festive lunch. It will actually be my “Xmas day”. I’ve been looking forward to it for ages. My brother & sister will be with me. Now, there’s a lot going on health-wise with my mum & Derek. Bro has decided (& sis will agree) to use that lunchtime to discuss plans to assist (& basically take over from) mum & Derek. From recent past experience I know my sis gets very irate if people don’t do what she wants or expects them to do. Also from experience I know that bro gets very bolshy when told what he should be doing. Him & sis have argued before about the exact same subject. I have suggested to bro that we do a zoom call together instead, on another day. No, he’s not up for that. I have told bro that I won’t be joining in with their discussion, which surprisingly he has accepted. So I’m feeling stressed already for a lunch that’s a week away. I’m also wondering how cold it will be if I have to take my dinner outside to eat in peace 😂

Just finished week 3. And i foegive my parents as they could only parent me with the tools they had been given. My dad espically had a very bad childhood. I was angry with them when i began ny healing journey. But i do love them and its the present that is important now. And they are finally aknowledging my growth and how far i have come and that means the world to me. I feel sad for them now that they never got to heal. And i thank myself for beleiveing in myself, not giving up. And learning to love myself. I am really feeling content for the 1st time in my 36 years. And happy that i got this chance to heal so my children can be whole. Its actually made me very emotional but for once happy tears 🙏