Next Saturday I’m going to a pretty country pub on a river for a festive lunch. It will actually be my “Xmas day”. I’ve been looking forward to it for ages. My brother & sister will be with me. Now, there’s a lot going on health-wise with my mum & Derek. Bro has decided (& sis will agree) to use that lunchtime to discuss plans to assist (& basically take over from) mum & Derek. From recent past experience I know my sis gets very irate if people don’t do what she wants or expects them to do. Also from experience I know that bro gets very bolshy when told what he should be doing. Him & sis have argued before about the exact same subject. I have suggested to bro that we do a zoom call together instead, on another day. No, he’s not up for that. I have told bro that I won’t be joining in with their discussion, which surprisingly he has accepted. So I’m feeling stressed already for a lunch that’s a week away. I’m also wondering how cold it will be if I have to take my dinner outside to eat in peace 😂

I am and also have been all or nothing. And i have now completed week 4. I feel so proud of myself. And im so grateful for this paul 🙏 Ive learnt to pause before responding. And just now knowing that when someone is reacting badily towards us is actually a reflection of themselves. Not us. That brings me alot of peace. I was always very explosive and reactive, but ive learnt keeping calm gets us alot further. And i 💯 protect my energy now. Im wide awake and i understand so much. Learning to love myself has been so powerful. Im so grateful to be where i am today. And i really do like who i am. I think i had alot of anger to let go of. I feel free. I have made it out of an abusive relationship this year and broke free from addiction. I am no longer in survival and i am living in peace. I am blessed and leanrt so much this year. I am excited for 2026 🙏💛

The title is my exact words, out loud as I read the first journal prompt for the inner teen 😅 this is going to be a heavy month for me, my inner teen shut down a lot, went stone faced and just said nout, I power housed the gym in there 6 hours every night till I was shot, I spoke to my doctor just after 16 about how I was feeling and he ran test and I was literally fitnessing my way to the grave, I didn't have enough fat anywhere on my body, I had so much muscle it was sometimes painful doing simple task's, I used to run round arther seat in Edinburgh as my morning run 😱 my morning run❓ I wouldnt even get 10 meters now 🤣 my teen was a machine, a force to be reckoned with and yet had absolutely no confidence in the way she could perform, I loved sports as a teen, name a sport I wanted to try it and ended up being pretty good at it, this is also the point I was pretty much on my own, my brother past when i was 12 during the summer holiday and dad did give me quite a traumatic experience at this stage as a teacher asked my class to write an essay on what we all did over the summer, well i went to my brother funeral and there was no way I was getting up in front of class and reading an essay out about that but the teacher was being adamant i was doing it and so I told my dad, my dad came charging into class the next day asked me if he had the right teacher and when I nodded he launched for the teacher pulled him up out his chair pinned him to black bourd and broke his nose and then started screaming at him about how sick he was to expect me to do that she will not and if she tells me she has ill come back and do this all over again, the head master plus the PE teacher ran in and asked my dad to leave before they phoned police, he casually let go stepped back and went it's ok im done here anyway 😳 to be fair I got peace that day no one wanted to bully me that day so silver lining, this is a rant isnt it god, well done if you made it to the bottom 😅 anyway I'm gonna go now 🤣

Was just having a phone call with my mum, trying to avoid certain things, as you do, was just checking in with her! So I ask her what you having for tea? She rambles off what she’s had all day to eat, finally gets to the answer.. don’t know what I fancy, might just have some eggy bread!! Don’t get me wrong, I do like eggy bread, haven’t had it for a while but remember getting it all the time as a child!! As someone who has ARFID certain foods or smells trigger me , mostly from childhood, I ask her why she fed us this all the time, sometimes with tomato sauce or as a pudding with jam? Her answer, it was real cheap, eggs and bread were pennies!! they got paid on a Friday, fed us crap then spent everything else in the pub, took a Chinese home for themselves while us kids were sleeping, you guys ate well in school didn’t you?? And they say us kids had a good life?? I don’t know the point of this post but it may explain why I very rarely eat on a Saturday night, if I do it usually crap!!