Yesterday I had a long convo with Alyssa, she discovered that she had been slowly feeling a “smoldering” anger towards me… for a long time. I knew there were a lot of moments when she seemed more angry than I would expect, and I often aim to assume and look for where I can take accountability, sometimes I can assume a lot some is a little harder. The other night she needed some space, she needed alone time, no hesitation, I took over the rest of the night, luckily things went smooth which is not 100% of the time. That night she said she still felt that smoldering anger but actually had no where to direct it towards me yet her anger felt aimed at me. It forced her to be introspective as she had no reason for me seamlessly taking over. She concluded after a multi day consideration, that she was FEELING 2nd hand anger, covering up her shame. She felt shame that she wasn’t doing enough because that night I successfully did it all, cooked, cleaned, bathtime, bed time routine. When I was doing the work it took away her ability/cultural-training that she should be a martyr. This gave me hope as I often think I’m doing everything I can, to be an equal partner, and still often feel so short. It was such a win to know that some times her own culturally inflicted shame was the cause. I don’t expect her to no flip a switch and notice everytime she is in a shame-based anger. But we talked about what I can do to help her be aware. She encouraged: “Is there something happening for you?” Which gives her some safe space to share emotions if they are there or if I’m grasping at a misperception.

My name is Davian, I’m new here and I’m here to better understand how to take the mental load off of my partner.

This past week I owned Easter management between creating magic for our toddler and prepping the meal to bring to my Aunts' house. I failed in multiple ways, so this week we are looking at what worked and what didn't work: Easter recap: 156 eggs filled found opened Pastel m&ms Peanut m&ms Reese’s peices eggs Big chocolate foil Reese’s eggs Pom poms Hello kitty things Rocks Trident bubble gum Big: New paint Bracelet making kit Slime bucket Fails: Z hand writing in post-its for big things Eggs same as day before at bridal shower {Easter bunny only comes on Easter } For next year: -eggs should not be the same as anything used in days prior, maybe shiny paint on them -keep running list of things that “bunny might get” and buy at different time -handwriting should be different than mine, either typed or cursive or something -150 was too much, took too long and started encroaching on time we needed to leave including time to play with items -at age 2.5 really had a hard time seeing them, 3.5 could see a lot, but struggled to look in things. I think 50-70 eggs could be plenty -when she started seeing rocks, she started opening them up to see what was inside which def made her sad with the expectation of treats -seemed a little let down by Pom poms too -gum she also seemed let down by -I think puzzle 🧩 would have been a let down too… For next year -setting up some ground rules the day before about eating candy, eating greens and having breakfast before eating candy? Or at least a deal about how much before breakfast, then just sticking to those standards What if all the eggs had letters, and a number, and when put together it said where the basket was? General next week: You’ve been coaching me on how many limits I’m setting which I really struggle with in the moment as I don’t really want to be setting them in the first place. Reading the room the same way you do around when I’m setting too many rules is something I’m struggling with. I’m still feeling a lot of fear around disagreeing with something you are doing in the moment and sharing that with you.

Last week during our Boring Meeting Alyssa and I talked about her needs coming up with a bridal shower and Easter Magic and planning. I am definitely feeling the fear around following through on delivering the holiday magic ALyssa expects of me and I've been proactive. What are some of the fears that pop up for you guys either when you are taking on the mental load of something your partner historically owns, or something you are delegating yourself?

I made this video to both share where we are in our journey of marriage and share something we are really excited about. The exercise I reference is the core emotion wheel, link to that training module in comment.