my brother died today- when i heard, no managers, no firefighters- just raw intense emotion- it was as truly glorious- to feel so intensely, so authentically. Gratitude to the full depth and breath of life. I am in awe of how much I can truly feel. Grief is an amazing expression of humanness-

Hey all! As of right now, I've been hosting parts work calls on Wednesday evenings. I know a few of you have expressed interest in joining but timing is an issue. Let me know if you are interested, and if so...is there a better time for everyone?

Today I felt something crack open. It began with anger—sharp and breathless, pacing through my body like it didn’t know where else to go. Not rage for destruction, but anger as awareness. The kind that says, “Enough. No more shrinking. No more silence.” So I took it for a long walk. Let it rise, breathe, move. Then I worked it through my body—exercising, sweating, and releasing the fire. And when the adrenaline and endorphins faded, what remained was not fury. It was grief. A deep, wrenching heartbreak. Grief for the parts of me I had to leave behind just to be loved. Grief for the child in me who never felt wanted. And grief for the woman I am now, standing at the threshold of healing, knowing not everyone will meet me there. Because this is what’s unfolding between my mother and me: You told me I was changing, and you didn’t mean it kindly. You miss the girl who swallowed her truth to keep the peace, the one who made herself small so you could feel big, who bent herself into silence to avoid your storms. You said I seem angry now, but this isn’t rage, it’s clarity. For the first time, I’m naming what hurt. I’m refusing to pretend. I’m pulling my love back from the altar of self-sacrifice and offering it to the parts of me you taught to disappear. You say you want honesty, but only if it doesn’t sting. Only if it keeps you comfortable. Only if it doesn’t ask you to look in the mirror. You question my healing—as if growth should come without mess, without edges, without discomfort. You say you liked me better before. Of course you did. I was easier to love when I abandoned myself for you. But I’m not that daughter anymore. And the truth is, I’m not trying to hurt her. I’m just trying to hold myself—finally, fully. But that holding feels like a betrayal to someone who’s only known love as self-sacrifice. So I’m grieving deeply. For the version of us that I wanted to exist. For the tenderness I hoped she’d one day offer. For the closeness that still feels like a distant dream.

Feeling so unwell within myself over this week. I sit and I listen - I feel the depth of discomfort filling the space within myself. Nothing has happened. Nothing has changed. It just came out of me - I know it is a part of myself. There is a part within myself that wants to get rid of this feeling. That wants to fix the discomfort. The feeling of being unlovable. But I just sit with it and accept. I used to fall into this space and bath myself in its suffering and misery. I still want to. It’s what I know best. It’s a big part of my identity. And yet I sit with it. Just acknowledging it. Just being with it. Allowing it to be there, to the best of my capacitys. Trying to integrate, that its okay to be a part of me. That its just a polarity and that there is nothing to change about it. I am proud of myself for not projecting it into my surroundings. My relationships. My day and routine. Just to see it. Give it space. Allow it to be a part of me that is loved and seen. It’s difficult. It’s painful. I don’t like to feel this way. And yet I try my very best to just accept and not fight. I wonder where the discomfort has come from. Sometimes it seems like it just arises out of nowhere. But this time I can see it being the core of my wounds. Feeling unlovable. And how this is spreading into all other areas. I feel uncomfortable within my body. As I do my Yoga practice where I strengthen myself - i feel weak. Like I should be doing better. I feel like my partner is upset at me. Like I’ve done something wrong. I feel like I’ve been lazy and not gotten done enough. I feel like screaming and crying. A fight that happens internally. I can see it and feel it all. And yet I don’t react. I am just here with it. Trying my best to love it. To love myself. And hold the little child within myself, that is feeling so deeply unlovable. I don’t really know if this is how it’s supposed to look like. If i am doing it the right way. Seeking validation from the outside. Wanting someone to tell me that I am doing great and that it’s all good.

Hey dears, so Holly encouraged me to share what has been going on in my romantic relationship recently. It feels daring but also good to ask for help here. thanks for bearing with me. So here we go: I am in a romantic relationship since two months, samt ie that we know each other. yes, went into commitment very quickly and grew into a deep heart connection quite intensely the first 4 weeks. For me this was just perfect, feeling deeply in love. For her too until her avoidant aspects surfaced and demanded her to step back and take things much slower. From here a dynamic appeared, as I got into a more anxious and insecure mode. Since 2 weeks I decided to take more space to really focus on integrating my parts more. It feels empowering momentarily but more oftenI feel in between a state of (full) detachment, my avoidant aspects suggesting to leave or at least questioning wether She will actually be able to love me the way I wish at some point.. Meaning that even once I integrated and fully healed my parts, she might still be controlled by her avoidant parts and will not be able to engage in a deeply committed romantic relationship.. ..basically I am trying to figure out how much distance/space feels like a healthy balance between our opposing parts. As in when does it still feel good and healthy, meaning balanced but not from a place of trauma dynamic. I wish to invest more time together and have much more clarity or even define our relationship further than: 'we relate now and give it a chance to evolve' - parts of me want to create more safety. I guess I also have the answer to what is important or what to focus on right now: Really focus on me and my parts, redirect the energy and creativity that I wish to share with her towards my own personal growth and joys in life. Basically integrating my parts. cutting the dynamic on my side And devote all the love i wish to share to god, (my tantra practice helps me a loot) And with time observe if how the relationship developes. if she will open up and commit more over time, while i do my best to stay balanced or if i move on if it doesnt match.