Struggling right now financially and feeling like the weight of it all just got placed on my shoulders. Wondering if I’ll ever be able to get out of the hustle and actually feel financially stable, supported and able to do what I want. Feeling overwhelmed by the pressures and just wanted to be witnessed

I saw it coming— that quiet bend in the road where I always veer off course. I told myself I’d turn this time. I had the tools, the mantras, the breath. I knew better. But still— I said yes with a trembling no caught in my throat. I smiled while my insides sank, served while bleeding, held space when I was crumbling in my own. It’s not ignorance anymore— it’s muscle memory. It’s the echo of a girl who learned love was earned through nurturing. And now— here I am, awake and aching, watching myself do what I swore I wouldn’t. This is the grief no one talks about— not the pain of what they did, but the pain of what I keep doing to myself even after I know where it leads. But I will not shame the version of me still tangled in survival. I will meet her gently, hold her hand when she stumbles, and whisper: “We’re still unlearning. We’re still becoming. It’s okay to begin again.”

I just realized, that I have been doing everything I can do actually avoid looking into my wounds the past two weeks or so. Of course I have been feeling so unwell - my wounds are asking for attention and I give them coffee in and Nikotin instead of love. Truth is, that I am terrified by them. On a cognitive level I know they can’t hurt me. But my experiences of the past are ,evidence, enough for me to still be scared as fuck to go there. It feels like an endless void of pain and all my deepest fears bashing down on me. To be unlovable. To be not good enough. To be too much. To be not pretty enough. So much in there, that starts to scream at me for attention. This space of this deep pain and screaming from within is scarier to me than death. It’s funny to see how I did really feel a huge progress within myself. Shifts, that are clear and powerful, visible in my daily life. And now there is the next layer waiting for me. And I have been trying so hard to not go there, without even noticing. Because it’s deeper yet. And therefore again harder for me to see, feel and love. As I write this, I smile and laugh at myself. This game will never end. It’s not supposed to. And the only thing producing suffering and pain, as always, is the stubbornness of not wanting to FEEL. I am still integrating my revelation about mental health. Mental health used to mean to me for a LONG time that I’m supposed to be happy. That there is no more tremendous pain within. And just as I write this i remember again, that the uncomfortable will ALWAYS remain. And all I have to do is embrace it. To feel it. We are a full spectrum and that will never change. Pushing away will always make it worse. As it did now for me. I still find it incredible hard to accept, that I will always live with some of that pain. It’s like a strange, that I am getting to know and try to befriend, slowly and steadily. Taking time to carve these new pathways of acceptance. I feel like I write a lot of heaviness in here.

Feeling so unwell within myself over this week. I sit and I listen - I feel the depth of discomfort filling the space within myself. Nothing has happened. Nothing has changed. It just came out of me - I know it is a part of myself. There is a part within myself that wants to get rid of this feeling. That wants to fix the discomfort. The feeling of being unlovable. But I just sit with it and accept. I used to fall into this space and bath myself in its suffering and misery. I still want to. It’s what I know best. It’s a big part of my identity. And yet I sit with it. Just acknowledging it. Just being with it. Allowing it to be there, to the best of my capacitys. Trying to integrate, that its okay to be a part of me. That its just a polarity and that there is nothing to change about it. I am proud of myself for not projecting it into my surroundings. My relationships. My day and routine. Just to see it. Give it space. Allow it to be a part of me that is loved and seen. It’s difficult. It’s painful. I don’t like to feel this way. And yet I try my very best to just accept and not fight. I wonder where the discomfort has come from. Sometimes it seems like it just arises out of nowhere. But this time I can see it being the core of my wounds. Feeling unlovable. And how this is spreading into all other areas. I feel uncomfortable within my body. As I do my Yoga practice where I strengthen myself - i feel weak. Like I should be doing better. I feel like my partner is upset at me. Like I’ve done something wrong. I feel like I’ve been lazy and not gotten done enough. I feel like screaming and crying. A fight that happens internally. I can see it and feel it all. And yet I don’t react. I am just here with it. Trying my best to love it. To love myself. And hold the little child within myself, that is feeling so deeply unlovable. I don’t really know if this is how it’s supposed to look like. If i am doing it the right way. Seeking validation from the outside. Wanting someone to tell me that I am doing great and that it’s all good.

I was thinking about what Holly said on the call about how to not get stuck and I just felt some discomfort in that because I was like "well, I don’t feel stuck so what is she talking about?" But then I sat with it and realized… I have been stuck in this space of processing hehe 😜 I’m a professional at coming up with routines and plans and organizing for self-improvement. I’ll sit and write in my planner.. I’m so organized on the outside but there’s this lack of embodiment and of actually taking consistent action. I’ll take some action but then the perfectionist part of me steps in and says it’s not good enough so I go back into refinement and more processing lol What I’m realizing is that where I’m stuck is in not wanting to step out of that processing space which has become my comfort zone. It’s given me a sense of control. If I can plan it, if I can organize it, then I’m in control. But where I’ve been stuck is in avoiding the actual commitment. The devotion of showing up despite it not being “perfect”. Even if I don’t do everything exactly the way I feel I “should”.. still allowing that to be enough. There’s a pattern in me of starting and then stopping, over and over again. And I think what I’m moving through right now is the realization that I’ve actually already curated and crafted the most aligned structure and container for myself. There’s literally nothing else I need to add or refine. I’ve spent years healing, curating, and refining. I’m literally looking at this huge whiteboard in my living room with everything written out and I’m like, this is it. There’s nothing more to plan. The only thing left to do is show up. And it’s not about showing up for a perfect plan.. it’s about stepping into the person I know I already am. The person I know I can be. Accepting that the process itself is the becoming. It won’t be perfect. But that’s not the point. So now I’m in the process of retraining myself. Embodiment is safe. Being seen is safe. Becoming is safe. And the imperfection of it is more than enough.