Reflections of feeling unwell within

Feeling so unwell within myself over this week.

I sit and I listen - I feel the depth of discomfort filling the space within myself.

Nothing has happened. Nothing has changed. It just came out of me - I know it is a part of myself.

There is a part within myself that wants to get rid of this feeling. That wants to fix the discomfort. The feeling of being unlovable.

But I just sit with it and accept.

I used to fall into this space and bath myself in its suffering and misery.

I still want to. It’s what I know best. It’s a big part of my identity.

And yet I sit with it. Just acknowledging it. Just being with it. Allowing it to be there, to the best of my capacitys.

Trying to integrate, that its okay to be a part of me. That its just a polarity and that there is nothing to change about it.

I am proud of myself for not projecting it into my surroundings. My relationships. My day and routine.

Just to see it. Give it space. Allow it to be a part of me that is loved and seen.

It’s difficult. It’s painful. I don’t like to feel this way. And yet I try my very best to just accept and not fight.

I wonder where the discomfort has come from.

Sometimes it seems like it just arises out of nowhere.

But this time I can see it being the core of my wounds.

Feeling unlovable. And how this is spreading into all other areas.

I feel uncomfortable within my body. As I do my Yoga practice where I strengthen myself - i feel weak. Like I should be doing better.

I feel like my partner is upset at me. Like I’ve done something wrong.

I feel like I’ve been lazy and not gotten done enough.

I feel like screaming and crying. A fight that happens internally.

I can see it and feel it all. And yet I don’t react. I am just here with it.

Trying my best to love it. To love myself.

And hold the little child within myself, that is feeling so deeply unlovable.

I don’t really know if this is how it’s supposed to look like.

If i am doing it the right way.

Seeking validation from the outside.

Wanting someone to tell me that I am doing great and that it’s all good.

How can this be the right way when it feels so uncomfotabe?

But I can feel a difference.

I can feel how it’s painful - but how I am holding it.

I am not becoming it. I see it. And yet I allow it to have space.

It’s there. I am there.

And we are living these days together.

I am safe. I am safe to feel unwell.

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