""A gold medal is a wonderful thing, but if you're not enough without it, you'll never be enough with it"--Cool Runnings ***Even if you don't read this, check out the video if you can!*** "I will be happy if..." "When I get this......then......" These are statements that I hear OFTEN in my clinical practice and there absolutely have been times when I've also fallen into this. So, we end up chasing whatever goal it is that we think will make us happy/fulfilled/enough and once we get there we feel a momentary high only to ask ourselves, "Okay, what now? What's next?" And then the goalpost relocates. Good times. This is the 𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐢𝐯𝐚𝐥 𝐟𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐜𝐲. It's "the false, often unconscious belief that reaching a specific destination, achieving a goal, or attaining a certain status will deliver lasting happiness". It gives the impression that there's some clean and satisfying 'arrival point' where striving ends and contentment begins. But the reality is that that arrival ends up being more like a layover. A temporary high, followed by a crash, which then we try to fill up again--hedonic adaptation at play here. So here's the thing though because I don't want any of this to imply that goals are bad or that we shouldn't strive. That's ridiculous. It's more about not assigning these goals the emotional weight that they weren't intended to hold and not making your worth as a person dependent on the achievement of these goals. It's about checking ourselves and seeing what underlying driving forces are at play for us when we're striving. A promotion won't resolve our underlying restlessness, a PR won't permanently quiet our self doubt (though it may give evidence that 'hey, maybe we're better than we think'), a cleaner relationship though it can provide a level of safety won't just eliminate internal noise. 𝐆𝐨𝐚𝐥𝐬 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞 𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐜𝐢𝐫𝐜𝐮𝐦𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐬 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐰𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞 𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐛𝐚𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐞. ***𝐖𝐡𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬 (𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐡𝐢𝐠𝐡-𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐦𝐞𝐫𝐬)*** If you’re someone who’s good at pushing, achieving, optimizing, you’re especially prone to this.

Saw this at a place I was visiting today and thought I'd pass it on !! When trying something new, it's probably going to feel uncomfortable! Those are new neural connections being created so there is an actual physical discomfort that's happening. That's normal! Let's embrace the process :-) get aligned and then embrace the discomfort that comes along with the change!

I often use the phrase "get your reps in" when it comes to encouraging others (and myself) to improve on a desired skill. But, there is a caveat here because getting our reps in implies only doing something over and over and if we're not intentional (and reflective) with what that something is it can lead us to plateau or perhaps even worsen. Improvement requires more than rote repetition. As a SIDE quest in @Steve Webb 's 30 day challengers community, we read the book 𝐏𝐞𝐚𝐤: 𝐒𝐞𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐬 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐍𝐞𝐰 𝐒𝐜𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐄𝐱𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐭𝐢𝐬𝐞. Thought I'd share some of the key takeaways here beeeecause this group is about Inspired and Empowered Living and I'd love for us to be even more equipped through life! 𝐂𝐎𝐑𝐄 𝐌𝐄𝐒𝐒𝐀𝐆𝐄: Getting really good at something is not about talent or repetition, but it's more about HOW we practice. :) 1. Again, repetition alone doesn't build expertise, deliberate practice does. This seems like an "of course" moment, but I do think that a lot of us get stuck in the cycle of just repeating something over and over and hoping that we'll improve. 𝐒𝐨 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐮𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐝𝐨𝐞𝐬 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐤? 1. 𝐁𝐞 𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐘 𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐟𝐢𝐜 about the what. What are we improving? Vague goals KILL progress. Ex: "Getting better at communicating" is not specific enough. Think about the DETAILS of what it means to get better at this. Things like "I will interrupt less", "I will make eye contact", "I will summarize what the other person said so that they feel heard and so that I get feedback on whether I understood their point" "I will ask more follow up questions"--think of observable and trackable behaviors! :) ---We talk a lot about strengths in this group, BUT this is actually about zeroing in on weaknesses and training them directly! :) 2.𝐆𝐞𝐭 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐝𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤 :We can't improve what we can't see. This is one of the fastest 'shortcuts' to growth--without the ability to see what's actually happening and getting 'correction'/correcting ourselves, we're more likely to reinforce mistakes or things that will be challenging to fix down the line.

In Erik Erikson’s theory of psychosocial development, generativity vs. stagnation typically shows up in midlife (40-65) but psychologically, it can surface anytime we start asking: "Am I contributing anything that will outlast me? Am I contributing anything beyond myself?" (vs. feeling stuck, directionless, and self-focused) I look at the different developmental stages and I feel like I'm consistenly wrestling with all the stages to some extent (just maybe the more adult version of some of them, ha). I don't see it as a bad thing, I see it as opportunities for growth. Little callings to improve, little opportunities to revisit narratives. Today, we'll just focus on the 7th Stage: 𝐆𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐭𝐲 𝐯𝐬. 𝐒𝐭𝐚𝐠𝐧𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐄𝐑𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐕𝐈𝐓𝐘 This is the desire to create, nurture, mentor, build, or guide something beyond the self. Leaving a positive mark in the world by contributing in ways that matter beyond ourselves. A lot of people think of this as parenting, but it goes beyond that and it can include: mentoring, community involvement, creative work, service, passing on of wisdom, and investing in future generations. Psychologically, generativity is linked to 𝐦𝐞𝐚𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐩𝐮𝐫𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐞, life satisfaction, internal locus of control, future orietnation, and identity integration. Generativity increases when people feel competent, valued, and connected. 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐆𝐍𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍 Stagnation isn't just about "not having kids" or lacking hobbies...It's a kind of self-absorption that blocks meaningful contribution. Self-centered living that's focused on comfort/status/personal gain and that have boredom/emptiness and a lack of deeper meaning associated with the activities we choose to involve ourselves in. (There are a lot of judgment type terms here but there's a reason why people don't indicate feeling fulfilled even when they've achieved the comfort/status/personal gains. Our current society very much promotes these things but unless those things are tied to something 'greater' than ourselves, it can feel empty or arbitrary). --There are more things to say about what stagnation looks like, but I'd like to focus more on how to increase generativity.

@Bruno Militz has been working on a communication series and in his latest post (communication-difficult-conversations-series) he spoke about how words, emotions, and authority work together. This reminded me of a DBT Mindfulness Skill (Wise Mind) and thought I'd share a little bit! :) In DBT, there are three states of mind: Emotional Mind, Rational Mind, and Wise Mind. The goal isn’t to eliminate emotion or become hyper-logical but rather to create a middle path of wise mind (integrating and honoring both!) I also kind of think of these on a continuum /spectrum. I don't think any person is just "purely" emotion minded or rational minded. They are both present. Wise Mind allows us to be intentional with how we relate to these. :) Let's take a looksie! :) EMOTION MIND Thinking and acting primarily from feelings. Here mood determines perception and urges feel.... urgent. Experiences are interpreted through emotional intensity. Here's the thing though...these emotions are still influenced by thoughts, so it's not like thoughts do not exist. Pros of Only Using Emotion Mind: -intuition and sensitivity -empathy and relational awareness -passion, creativity, and motivation -quicker detection of potential threats (protective function) Cons of Only Using Emotion Mind -can distort interpretation of events/experiences that are meant to be neutral -can be more impulsive or reactive -can be more challenging tolerating distress -feelings as facts cognitive distortion "If I feel it, it must be true” thinking RATIONAL MIND Thinking logically, analytically, and factually. Decisions are based on evidence, structure, and reason. Pros of Only Using Rational Mind: -clear problem-solving -decreased impulsivity -strategic planning -ability to pause and assess outcomes Cons of Only Using Rational Mind: -can invalidate or suppress emotions (emotions are there to inform--they don't have to steer, but they give us valuable information)