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I would be happy if.... (The Arrival Fallacy)
""A gold medal is a wonderful thing, but if you're not enough without it, you'll never be enough with it"--Cool Runnings
***Even if you don't read this, check out the video if you can!***
"I will be happy if..." "When I get this......then......" These are statements that I hear OFTEN in my clinical practice and there absolutely have been times when I've also fallen into this. So, we end up chasing whatever goal it is that we think will make us happy/fulfilled/enough and once we get there we feel a momentary high only to ask ourselves, "Okay, what now? What's next?" And then the goalpost relocates. Good times.
This is the ๐๐ซ๐ซ๐ข๐ฏ๐๐ฅ ๐๐๐ฅ๐ฅ๐๐๐ฒ. It's "the false, often unconscious belief that reaching a specific destination, achieving a goal, or attaining a certain status will deliver lasting happiness". It gives the impression that there's some clean and satisfying 'arrival point' where striving ends and contentment begins. But the reality is that that arrival ends up being more like a layover. A temporary high, followed by a crash, which then we try to fill up again--hedonic adaptation at play here.
So here's the thing though because I don't want any of this to imply that goals are bad or that we shouldn't strive. That's ridiculous. It's more about not assigning these goals the emotional weight that they weren't intended to hold and not making your worth as a person dependent on the achievement of these goals. It's about checking ourselves and seeing what underlying driving forces are at play for us when we're striving. A promotion won't resolve our underlying restlessness, a PR won't permanently quiet our self doubt (though it may give evidence that 'hey, maybe we're better than we think'), a cleaner relationship though it can provide a level of safety won't just eliminate internal noise.
๐๐จ๐๐ฅ๐ฌ ๐๐๐ง ๐๐ก๐๐ง๐ ๐ ๐จ๐ฎ๐ซ ๐๐ข๐ซ๐๐ฎ๐ฆ๐ฌ๐ญ๐๐ง๐๐๐ฌ ๐๐ฎ๐ญ ๐ญ๐ก๐๐ฒ ๐ฐ๐จ๐ง'๐ญ ๐๐ฎ๐ญ๐จ๐ฆ๐๐ญ๐ข๐๐๐ฅ๐ฅ๐ฒ ๐๐ก๐๐ง๐ ๐ ๐จ๐ฎ๐ซ ๐๐๐ฌ๐๐ฅ๐ข๐ง๐ ๐ฌ๐ญ๐๐ญ๐.
***๐๐ก๐ฒ ๐ญ๐ก๐ข๐ฌ ๐ฆ๐๐ญ๐ญ๐๐ซ๐ฌ (๐๐ฌ๐ฉ๐๐๐ข๐๐ฅ๐ฅ๐ฒ ๐๐จ๐ซ ๐ก๐ข๐ ๐ก-๐ฉ๐๐ซ๐๐จ๐ซ๐ฆ๐๐ซ๐ฌ)***
If youโre someone whoโs good at pushing, achieving, optimizing, youโre especially prone to this.
Because it works! We set targets, we hit them, and then we level up. It's self reinforcing. If we're not careful, our entire sense of "enoughness" becomes outsourced to the next milestone and that? THAT is a treadmill with no off switch. And there are effects to these type of treadmills.
๐๐จ ๐ฐ๐ก๐๐ซ๐ ๐๐จ๐๐ฌ ๐ญ๐ก๐๐ญ ๐ฅ๐๐๐ฏ๐ ๐ฌ๐ญ๐ซ๐ข๐ฏ๐ข๐ง๐ ?
The answer is NOT to ease up, lower the bar, or stop caring so much. This is not about settling and becoming complacent. I think that people sometimes fear that this is what will happen, but it's NOT about this AT ALL. This is about having a different relationship with this 'drive'. Relentless striving isnโt the problem. Misplaced expectation is. You CAN be super ambitious, disciplined, and even obsessive (I'm using this term loosely here) about growth without believing that it's going to finally make you 'enough'.
Here are the examples that can maybe make this click:
- We can still chase the PR but itโs an expression , not a cure
-We still build, fix, improve but not from a place of lack
-We still want more but weโre not empty without it
๐๐ง๐ฌ๐ญ๐๐๐ ๐จ๐ ๐ฌ๐ญ๐ซ๐ข๐ฏ๐ข๐ง๐ ๐๐๐ข๐ง๐ ๐ ๐ซ๐๐ฌ๐๐ฎ๐ ๐ฆ๐ข๐ฌ๐ฌ๐ข๐จ๐ง ๐จ๐ ๐ฌ๐จ๐ฆ๐ ๐ฌ๐จ๐ซ๐ญ (๐ซ๐๐ฌ๐๐ฎ๐ข๐ง๐ ๐ฎ๐ฌ ๐๐ซ๐จ๐ฆ ๐ฌ๐จ๐ฆ๐ ๐ฎ๐ง๐๐จ๐ฆ๐๐จ๐ซ๐ญ๐๐๐ฅ๐ ๐๐๐๐ฅ๐ข๐ง๐ ๐ฌ ๐ฐ๐'๐ซ๐ ๐ง๐จ๐ญ ๐๐๐๐ฅ๐ข๐ง๐ ๐ฐ๐ข๐ญ๐ก), ๐ข๐ญ ๐๐ง๐๐ฌ ๐ฎ๐ฉ ๐๐๐ข๐ง๐ ๐ ๐๐ก๐จ๐ข๐๐. ๐๐ง๐ ๐ญ๐ก๐๐ญ ๐ข๐ฌ ๐
๐๐๐๐๐๐!!
When we get this 'right':
-We don't hesitate to go all in because we're not afraid of what happens if it doesn't fix everything
-We don't burn out as easily because we're not constantly trying to get our identity from outcomes
-We don't crash after wins because we weren't expecting those wins to carry our emotional weight
๐๐๐ญ ๐จ๐ฎ๐ซ ๐ฌ๐ญ๐๐ง๐๐๐ซ๐๐ฌ ๐๐ ๐ซ๐๐ฅ๐๐ง๐ญ๐ฅ๐๐ฌ๐ฌ ๐๐ฎ๐ญ ๐ฅ๐๐ญ๐ฌ ๐ฅ๐๐ญ ๐จ๐ฎ๐ซ ๐๐ญ๐ญ๐๐๐ก๐ฆ๐๐ง๐ญ ๐๐ ๐ฅ๐ข๐ ๐ก๐ญ!
๐๐จ ๐ก๐๐ซ๐. ๐๐๐ซ๐ ๐๐๐๐ฉ๐ฅ๐ฒ. ๐๐ฎ๐ข๐ฅ๐ ๐ซ๐๐ฅ๐๐ง๐ญ๐ฅ๐๐ฌ๐ฌ๐ฅ๐ฒ. ๐๐๐ค๐ ๐๐๐ซ๐ ๐จ๐ ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ๐ซ ๐ข๐ง๐ง๐๐ซ ๐ฌ๐๐ฅ๐. :)
QUESTION TO PONDER: Whatโs something you were convinced would โfix it" that didnโt?
And what would it look like to keep pursuing it just as fullyโฆwithout needing it to?
POLL: What drives you right now?
***Check out the video!! **** Some good nuggets in there! :)
The excitement of growth
The fear of falling behind
Trying to prove to myself that I'm good enough
A mix of all of the above
I'm not really sure
10
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I would be happy if.... (The Arrival Fallacy)
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