"What is hell? I maintain that it is the suffering of being unable to love." — The Brothers Karamazov Most of us can love and be loved. Hell is handing hurt and fear the permission to decide for you. What will you decide? Quote from the video: "When people choose love, they always choose right". dang... POLL: Do you allow yourself to love and be loved...fully?

We like to think communication is pretty straightforward: I think something → I say it → you hear it → you understand it. Boom! What more is there? But when we really break it down, there are a LOT of places where things can get lost along the way. First, there's what we're actually thinking or feeling. Sometimes we may not even have a clear understanding of that ourselves. Then there's what we 𝗜𝗡𝗧𝗘𝗡𝗗 to communicate. We might know what we mean in our heads, but translating that into actual words can be a whole different thing. Then there's what actually comes out of our mouths.😖 Sometimes what comes out isn't exactly what was in our heads. 😂 Maybe we didn't find the right words. Maybe we left something out. Maybe our tones communicated something we didn't intend. Then there's what the other person hears: And 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘀𝗼𝗺𝗲𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗶𝘀𝗻'𝘁 𝗻𝗲𝗰𝗲𝘀𝘀𝗮𝗿𝗶𝗹𝘆 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘀𝗮𝗺𝗲 𝗮𝘀 𝘂𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗿𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗻𝗱𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗶𝘁. What someone hears is going to be filtered through their own experiences, assumptions, emotions, expectations, etc. Then there's what they think they heard, followed by what they think it means. So we can end up with something like: 𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗜 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗸 → 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗜 𝗺𝗲𝗮𝗻 → 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗜 𝘀𝗮𝘆 → 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿 → 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗸 𝗜 𝘀𝗮𝗶𝗱 → 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘂𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗿𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗺𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗺𝗲𝗮𝗻. That's a LOT of opportunities for the original message to get a little altered, lost in translation, misaligned from its original intent. A lot of opportunities for potential conflict or opportunity to clarify and gain better understanding. And that's not even accounting for things like tone, facial expressions, timing, texting vs. talking in person, someone's mood that day, types of communication (e.g. literal, abstract) or whatever else is happening in the background. So...this makes me think that sometimes when we're arguing, we're likely not even actually arguing about what the other person said! We're arguing about what WE THINK they said. So... the following statements become even more valuable as a result: Sender: “That's not what I meant. Let me try saying that differently.”

Here's a funsies question: When you say yes, are you ACTUALLY saying yes, or are you managing someone else's feelings? The Wheel of Consent explores four basic experiences: giving, receiving, taking, and allowing. The Healthy side says things like: “I want to give this.” “I want to receive this.” “I’m choosing to take this.” “I’m comfortable allowing this.” "I can ask for what I want/need" "I can say no without needing to justify it" We can give freely without needing something in return, we can receive without guilt, we can ask for what we want and genuinely accept “no", and we can also allow others to do something for us because we want to receive it, not because we feel obligated. The Shadow side says: (Clarification--shadow side doesn't mean bad. It's often a protective part that at some point learned "This is how I stay safe, connected, wanted, in control, etc". Good intentions, rough consequences, you know?) “I'll give so you won't be disappointed.” "I'll give so you'll like me" “I'll receive because I don't want to offend you.” "I'll receive, but now I owe you" “I'll take because I feel entitled to it.” "I'll take because I assume you should provide" “I'll allow it because it's easier than saying no.” "I'll allow it because your disappointment or other emotion feels scarier than my discomfort". Giving can become people-pleasing, receiving can feel selfish, taking can become entitlement, and allowing can become passivity or resentment. Sometimes we say “yes” when our body, values, or boundaries are actually saying “no.” This is self betrayal, self erasure and over time we lose trust with ourselves as a result. The Wheel of Consent can help us notice the places where our healthy choices get hijacked by old patterns. It helps us become more aware of why we're saying yes, what we're actually consenting to, and whose needs we're trying to meet. :) Some questions to ask oneself when dealing with a decision: -What am I afraid would happen if I said no or spoke up?