Look, don’t touch · Make Men Great Again

Look, don’t touch

Had an insight on my dog walk this morning…

I know a Chain is worth examining if a short term attempt to break it results in a “look, don’t touch” desire

eg When I first tried to quit porn, I felt a desire to look. Instagram, Reddit, and sometimes actual porn sites. It felt totally justified. “I’m a man, I have needs, I’m not masturbating to it” etc etc

Maybe not. But I was definitely engaging in stimuli that revved the mental engine. It kept things idling. And it was always a matter of time before I was off the starting line and into the very behavior (Chain) I was trying to break.

When I quit drinking & drugs in ‘14, same kind of thing. I stayed away from all the usual people/places/things associated with my using patterns, but eventually started going to bars and clubs with my “boys” again. Similar rationale: “I’m young, I’m not drinking, I live in Miami and this is just the culture”

I relapsed about 18 months later and found myself waking from a black out, behind the wheel, an hour from home.

18 months of looking, not touching, and idling.

(I’d listened to guys talk about this in AA for years and always thought it was an exaggeration. Turns out, I don’t know everything after all).

I’m grateful things are better. Unbelievably better. But I still have this toxic little “look, don’t touch” impulse that I’m starting to see in a new light.

It’s not just the “bad” stuff like booze, coke, pills. It seems to be anything and everything outside of myself that can temporarily provide some relief…

I’ve been sober for years and off porn for months, so my Chain for this challenge has been podcast binging (which seems hilarious by comparison, I know, but it’s behavior that cause a crazy amount of work avoidance and subsequent anxiety/depression)

On my walk, I found myself opening Spotify to see what my favorite podcasts have been posting…

Saw it. Caught it. And asked: Why do I care? What is so important about this?

On the surface, I think I care because I want to feel connected, informed, and smart. And that’s something I work on a lot. But I’m going to remain curious and keep asking those questions.

Can anyone relate to this sneaky little “look, don’t touch” impulse? If so, how do you manage it?

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