Hi Conquerors. How is everyone doing? I am out of the hospital. Trying to recover. A couple things I learned is that my heart rate is low and vitamin d is really low. It has been a rough couple of weeks but grateful I am at least starting to find pieces of the puzzle.

Hi Conquerors. I am in the hospital. I am ultimately proud of myself because as uncomfortable as I am (and I am😅), I needed to rule some stuff out. I'm sure it's happened even before this, but since last Thursday I have had severe weakness in my legs. I think I will be released tomorrow after the MRI. I'm hopefully going home with a walker so I can be safe as I gain strength back. Just wanted to give an update. It has been extremely hard for me to keep up with all the different doctors and multiple people coming at once etc. But I'm doing my best.

Good morning Conquerors! How is everyone? I am definitely going through it.. but wanted to share a couple strategies I created honestly out of pure desperation 😅: This came to me this morning, after passing out yesterday: SIMPLE and SLOW Meaning, EACH step for my brain right now needs feel simple and I NEED to give myself permission to do it SLOW The shower protocol- when I do it, it totally works. So that needs to be a non-negotiable whenever possible. Even this morning, I started crying in shower but then because the timer was set and because music was playing, I felt safe to release it a bit. And the 5 minute protocol: Figure out how much chronological time you have to get ready. Break it down into how many 5-minute chunks that equates to. Assign one step to each 5-minute chunk I did this this morning. Instantly my brain relaxed and I felt less frozen. I'm even still doing it now. But since I'm pretty much ready to go, I can type this (but I still have timer set so that I STAY aware of the time). I am truly fighting to not go into a deep depression. So this morning as soon as I woke up, I had my earbuds upstairs so I immediately put earbud in and set 20 minute timer to get outside and turned on the uplifting music. And went downstairs quickly made protein shake and got the heck outside on my little walk. I do still make myself turn around after 10 minutes. There is a huge part of me saying what is the point? Etc. But.. I HAVE to try. I just have to. Otherwise, the bullies win. Does NOT mean I'm doing anything confidently to say the least. But my motto is Don't Give Up. And I can honestly say that I haven't given up. Love you guys! Hope something in this helps! Just sharing from my heart 🥰

Hello Conquerors!! Well, yesterday was quite quite rough. Felt like my body went through 10 panic attacks. Felt like it was unsafe to go to bed. Etc However, I still made myself be IN bed I believe by 10:30. I still made myself brush floss and moisturize before that. I still turned on my meditation Why is this important to note? Because having cptsd and being neurodivergent AND physically being by myself, these are the types of things in the past that would have stopped first. "Self care" would be the FIRST to go. Same thing this morning. I woke up with dread and said quickly make protein shake and go for a walk. And I did. It is a short walk. On purpose. Came back and I honestly don't remember at the moment what I did. But I am hopefully getting an advocate which I desperately need. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone. But I simultaneously feel like things are FINALLY starting to make sense. Not be ok..but make sense. Basically her dad took complete advantage of the fact that I'm neurodivergent (I didn't know) and had trauma Not just in our marriage. But especially since. He KNOWS I don't have money. Yet his "casual" suggestion via text yesterday was to do the traveling over two days He didn't mention how if I did that, I'm now going to have to get additional ubers, and food, and a hotel etc. Money i do not have. Guys, I truly did not realize there are people who want to hurt me. But I'm experiencing it in real time. That being said, what is DIFFERENT now: *Physically, I cannot do air travel at the moment. And I am honoring that for the first time. Because I see how it just won't happen. *I am talking to my caseworker about what is happening I would not say that I am sleeping amazingly or anything. However, I DO think that me continuining my rule of no tv in bed has been a massive benefit. Not necessarily when I wake up. And not that I'm stress free. But the fact that I haven't given up. The fact that I'm not having panic attacks 24/7.. is huge. Because it IS a very scary time for me. I have "poked the bear" so to speak. With a narcissist. Basically sociopath.

After a ROUGH morning of once again being in fear confusion terror etc.. I used AI and got some information And the bottom line is, I texted daughter's dad and said that I am physically unable to do a full day of travel at this time. Which is all true. Yet I felt ashamed and scared. I also am extremely close to contacting an attorney. That STILL terrifies me but I am realizing more and more that is because her dad was abusive and coercive etc so it made my nervous system literally frozen. Doing EMDR, ALL these memories are coming back. It is ALL starting to make sense why I feel paralyzingly scared to even speak or ask for help etc But I can truly only hold it in for so long. And why should I have to?? I didn't do anything wrong! I SEE now how he fully took advantage of me. Especially my memory issues Why does it matter now? Because we might go to court. And I am terrified that my brain will freeze and/or I will start crying But that is BECAUSE he was abusive. And it is all starting to make sense. AND it is still terrifying 😅 But that being said, I am telling the truth. Love you guys!