An Oddity in Dating...a simple dispatch · Society of Ordinary Gentlemen

7d (edited) • The Lounge

An Oddity in Dating...a simple dispatch

Greetings gents,

I thought I would share with the community an emergent oddity that I have noticed. In my last three dates, when I went to pay for the service, I was met with protest by my date. Upon drawing my plastic from leather, firm grip in hand, my ears detected a faintly and sometimes not so faint rebuttal of such a deliberate action. I was too quick on the draw some may say!

"No! You don't have to do that!"

"I got it!"

"We can split it!"

And, my favorite refrain, "STOP!"

Dignity has never been put on notice so quickly, I dare say. How dare I be a gentleman and pay for her meal?!

Oh to be on a charming date, enjoying the rhythm of levity and cooking recipes, for it all to come a sudden halt, as I go to pay the bill. Yes, pay the bill. In such curious moments, I recollect if I could get the mailman to stop delivering bills to my address?

On one peculiar occasion that shall live on within the annals of recursive memory, I appeared before the customer service counter of a bowling alley. With my date at my right side, I asked for her shoe size. I told the young chap that we want to bowl and rent some shoes. He smiled and said that would be $44.00 (or whatever amount). I held my credit card in hand and reach out to give it to him. His eyes see my card. He, too, extends his hand in a valiant effort to meet me half way. But alas! Another hand appeared! This hand quickly ran in-between our ongoing transaction. The face of the customer rep was abject confusion. I only had a moment before my date had snatched my credit card from my hand. Then I felt what was like a bump on my waist. I looked down thinking it might be a kid trying to get my attention. As I looked down, this maneuver was executed so swiftly that I scarcely realized he no longer had my card, nor did I.

My simple observations of the matter underscore a persistent pattern in dating. It is the protest - if not adamant refusal - to let the man be a gentleman and pay for the date. This leaves the gentleman to wonder as why this may be the case?

Of course, one could optimistically say it is about equality, with each person paying his or her way so as not to take "advantage" of the other. Perhaps this is true. If so, then I fear there is a far more troubling message. Namely, if the woman refuses to allow a willing and dutiful gentleman pay for a date, then it is tantamount to rejecting a well intentioned gift. Moreover, and perhaps even more troubling, she signals to the gentleman that she is NOT receptive to what he has to offer - for how can one offer a thing of value (be it time, money, attention, words of affirmation, or care) if she is not willing to receive it AND demonstrate that she is willing to receive such a gift?

Gentlemen, there is more at risk than mere equality when it comes to dating. If she is unwilling to receive the gift you have for her — let alone acknowledge the offering — for whatever reason, then this may in fact be a larger sign that she is not ready to participate in the mutual exchange that makes courtship possible in the first place. Is she guarding independence more carefully than she is cultivating connection?

This is the question I continue to ponder. Does fear prevent and end relationships before they have a chance to begin?

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