Major Breakthrough
So I broke up with my girlfriend a month ago, after a over a year of conventional dialog therapy with a psychologist and trying to figure out if I was the asshole or if I was actually dealing with an abusive girlfriend. I'd been wanting to break up for a long time, but never had the cajones to actually do it. When I was actually able to do it I broke down completely, feeling like a total asshole, and a few days afterward tried to get back with her. Whenever she asked me a question that I wanted to answer honestly my body froze up completely, and I started tensing up and fight my brain on actually saying something. I wanted to speak my thoughts and feelings, but my body would not let me at all.
After we got off the phone I immediately went and did a trauma clearing audio because I knew the feelings were at a high intensity. When I got into the identifying portion I went back to being three years old and my mom is screaming at me. She won't stop screaming at me. I'm three years old and don't even understand what she's screaming about, or if this is even a real memory, but I'm curled up into a ball terrified out of my three year old mind. In the real world forty year old me is bawling his eyes out on the floor, furious and screaming back at his mom for being so horrible to a defenseless little kid. I hadn't cried that much in probably five years, maybe ten. I had to pause the recording for ten minutes just to process the whole thing because I was blubbering snotty teary mess. I was able to go back in and send it all away in the tornado, and produce a protective force field, and immediately after the recording ended I passed out in exhaustion on my sleeping pad I had setup on the floor for the session. Woke up two hours later and went to bed.
The next morning I felt like I had been released from prison. I was happy and excited about the day, and looking forward to collecting my thoughts on my relationship with my girlfriend and going to an extra therapy session to try and refine them before meeting my girlfriend for a talk about if we were going to get back together. Because despite the crap I've dealt with from her, she actually is a very sweet girl who has a huge level of trauma herself that she has never tried to remedy, and the little girl inside is screaming for the love and safety that she never got as a kid.
During our whole talk I never felt that tense frozen feeling. I was able to say exactly what was on my mind and what I thought and wanted and expected out of the relationship. It actually shocked my girlfriend because for fifteen years I've never been able to say what it is I want, and always went about it tangentially. I laid out what I felt, what I wanted from her, and how I wanted the relationship to be going forward. I told her I wanted her to go to therapy for at least twelve sessions to try and work on her stuff, and try hypnosis, and while she didn't say yes, she didn't say no either. We agreed to give it one more go, and then went into my house to get some make up sex on.
The weeks since then have been quite an eye opener. I am able to say about 90% of what's on my mind without fear of judgement, retribution, getting screamed at, or freezing up. Every once in a while I get a little tense, but it typically resolves after I allow the thought to percolate in my head and refine itself. My girl and I have had some fights, but I fight back a hundred times more than what I used to do. I stand up for myself and hold my ground. I tell her how I think she's in the wrong in some areas of the fight, and I don't let her try and flip it back on me like I used to. We had a fight last night and I pointed out exactly where her behavior was an issue and how it helped lead to the fight, and did not feel shame about where she was right about where my behavior led to the fight.
Because of my recent change in behavior and being more confident and fighting back on her she's becoming more aware of her own psychological and emotional problems, and how they lead to her having bad experiences. She's even started asking me about how to find a therapist, and if hypnosis actually works. She does not believe it will work for her, but I tell her she won't know until she tries it.
I truly feel like I've now started to become the man I've wanted to be my whole life. I was always envious of people who could speak their minds without fear of judgement or retribution, and had the self confidence to express and stand behind what they wanted. Up until last month I always felt like I needed to please everyone, otherwise they'd hate me or reject me or think I was a bad person. Now that belief has been reduced by probably ninety or ninety-five percent. Now I can say what I want or think and feel extremely safe, and if someone has a problem with what I said that's their problem, not mine.
I don't know if my girl and I will stay together, but I'm not afraid of her yelling at me or of her leaving me any more. And I'm not as afraid of breaking up with her myself, even though there's still a slight fear still there. I still don't like being seen as the bad guy, even if someone else is really the bad guy. That's my next area I'm going to work on.
Matt Perry
Major Breakthrough
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